1. Finish The Serpent and the Rainbow by Wade Davis. Its about Haitian zombies!
2. Let’s try this again… ten minutes of abs each day!
3. Drink at minumum 60 oz of water a day. Let’s kill that water weight!
4. Turn in CAS forms!
5. Complete two calculus worksheets!
and, if I am doing well (100%) by Friday…
6. Treat myself to this month’s Cosmopolitan!
Zimgirl16 (9:00:51 PM): lol what -is- the derivative of sin? like, of sex before marriage?
Yozri Yirgg (9:01:35 PM): well, you'd have to find the slope
Yozri Yirgg (9:01:38 PM): which'd be tough
Yozri Yirgg (9:01:44 PM): unless you had a sex ramp
1. Spike from Buffy! The cheekbones....
2. The fact that even if it is catastrophic, my Spanish oral will be O-V-E-R after 11:30am tomorrow!
3. El Espinada del Diablo y El Labrinto del Fauno (Pan's Labrynth), while on the subject of my Spanish oral. At least it is over movies I love!
4. Studying the Cold War now in history! *geek*
5. My new fish! He is a blue betta named Icky, short for Ichthyopod (means fish in geek speak) I've never had one before, I had to get him for a biology experiment, and i didn't have the heart to give him away. any fish tips for a first-timer?
6. The Serpent and The Rainbow by Wade Davis. About Haitian zombies. ZOMBIES ARE REAL!
7. America's Next Top Model (I can't believe they kicked off Allison for being bitchy! A total first time for ANTM... I kinda like the sassy ones...)
8. Starbucks' new honey lattes! I kind of had two today... lol not so good for the calorie count but AWESOME for the taste buds.
1. Do 10 minutes of pilates ab work every day (satin prom dress satin prom dress!)
2. Finish CAS.
3. Do AT LEAST 4 calculus problems per worksheet IN CLASS
4. Wear creative makeup one day this week
5. Practice my Spanish oral about Guillermo del Toro every day until Thursday!
I just hope the good kids are okay. Poor good kids don't know that 'stay right there' means 'run like hell' when you are trying to climb up on your high school's roof.
Are what make weeks like this bearable.
Today at Barnes and noble I was bummed I couldn't afford to buy this month's acclaimed cosmo, yet lo and behold, when I get home its sitting on the banister, a free gift subscription for my parents upgrading our phone line.
... Who could ask for anything more?
The creator of Questionable Content has a link up on his site to an HIV-denial site. That is, denying that the HIV virus causes AIDS and we should stop researching HIV.
http://www.thelastloversonearth.com>
...please don't be evil, Jeph!
How am I supposed to be able to say goodbye to you? There will be some day when I have to actually come see you to say goodbye. I will know which is our last kiss. I can't imagine the will power that is going to take, to say, 'okay, that was the last time I will ever kiss you.'
1. You DON'T like me, I KNEW it! Nice subtlety there, sister. But seriously though, why? I thought you were generally cool with me. Well, that's okay, I don't like you either.
2. One: You are a bastard. Two: I bet I speak Spanish fine. Three: You are a bastard.
3. I thought about calling in my contingency plan and considered letting things continue indefinitely within the same three hour period. At least it usually ends up somewhere in the middle, or else I would go nuts.
4. It's like every second I see you I just HATE you exponentially more. I swear you dress like that JUST to piss me off.
5. This is SO ridiculous. I mean, wasn't this over three YEARS ago? You think you are impressing people with the 'oh, only you get me, i'm SO dark, no one even knows' act, but that is ALL it is, and all you can ever do, because you act so much I think you forgot how to have real emotions.
6. I can't stop thinking about you. I HATE that.
7. You were absent today. It was AWESOME. Do that more.
8. I tried not to jump to conclusions, but that was too cute to be non-intentional. Was I right?
9. So if it's my idea, you are not interested. Story of our lives, eh?
10. You are so the best IM partner in years!
11. You are a grown up in one minute. dont start acting like one!
12. You appear to only have one flaw. for realz?
13. I get SO MAD when I think about you! *sigh* stupid calendar.
14. You are cute. I will miss you in March! But you get to be a whore, which is really exciting! lol
15. You can trust me.
Zimgirl16 (09:28:14 pm): lol its part of the 'consortium' with pomona, scripps, harvey mudd and such
Zimgirl16 (09:28:21 pm): nice and pretentious, i know
D3af3ningSil3nc3 (09:28:57 pm): a consortium seems evil to me.
D3af3ningSil3nc3 (09:28:58 pm): haha
Zimgirl16 (09:30:54 pm): hehe, maybe i will be facing off with the justice league by my junior year! one can only hope.
D3af3ningSil3nc3 (09:31:57 pm): yeah, i hear there are great internship opportunites under supervillians.
Zimgirl16 (09:33:06 pm): getting coffee and uranium and all that.
D3af3ningSil3nc3 (09:33:57 pm): really a good idea to get into the field, start working up the career ladder to evil mastermind.
Zimgirl16 (09:36:50 pm): >_< i just tried to type the HUAC was started by Sen.spiderman.
Zimgirl16 (09:36:54 pm): it wasnt.
Zimgirl16 (09:37:04 pm): he was only a page at the time
"Not only do I not want a North American Union, I want us out of the U.N., the IMF, the World Bank, the WTO, UNICEF, AFTA and CAFTA. NAFTA has nothing to do for free trade. … [Free trade] is very, very important, but you don't get that by world government."
-Ron Paul
Opposes reauthorization of the assault weapons ban. Opposes mandatory trigger locks for handguns. Opposes waiting periods for gun purchases. Owns a variety of firearms. NRA member. Has a concealed carry permit.
-Huckabee
....Prince Caspian.
May 14th.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
I am SUCH a Narnia geek.
>_<
A Soundtrack to Me!
Pick ten-fifteen songs, write a memory with each.
Basket Case - Green Day - Because I knew the words to this song, I met three of my favorite friends from high school, Morgan, Lauren and Cacia. Singing [quietly] backstage before the second orchestra concert of the year.
Rush - 2112 - Okay, so this is really an album, but it is entirely representative of the one night Haley and Neil and I spent at Kenton's, which remains one of the best of high school. This memory would be complete if one were to throw in a bag of doritos, magic cards, crouching tiger and my death cab for cutie tshirt being worn by not me. And Not haley. and not kenton. lol.
Anything by Muse - It turns out that when freshmen girls get locked in a dark temp far removed from the school while decorating spring flings, they tend to fall in love with Matt McGorrin for about three days. Its a common problem.
Work - Jimmy Eat World - The Lindsey Goad phase, and all that came with it. In particular, I get dressed for spring fling with lindsey, emma and anqi. Anqi and lindsey proceed to tell my insecure freshman self I look like a skank, and they give me 'more appropriate' clothing. Yet that was still an oddly fun night.
Going Away to College - Blink-182 - My first boyfriend wrote the lyrics to this song in a card and I, not having heard the song before, asked him if he wrote them. He, being nuts, said yes. I, being gullible, believed him. Goes down in sophomore lore forever.
Neighborhood #3 - Arcade Fire - This was the first indie song I ever heard. It remains one of my favorites. This song gave me a completely new lifestyle, all by itself.
Carousel - Blink 182 - My first date with Ian. His dad picked us up from school and drove us to the mills. We both sat in the backseat and neither of us talked. We walked around aimlessly for an hour or so, he asked me what my favorite color was awkwardly and he bought Burger King for dinner. All in all, an adorably awkward first date. As they all should be.
There's Always Someone Cooler Than You - Ben Folds - We probably listened to this song every day sophomore year when we would every day go to Good Times for lunch and every day eat it in front of Mr Hannagan, with whom we were always willing to share fries.
The Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny - Lemon Demon - This ridiculous song was repeated word for word by Sam outside of my Geometry class with complete sincerity. For a sophomore, this apparently makes a person a real catch. (said with un-bitter sarcasm. Just normal sarcasm.)
The Mariner's Revenge Song - The Decemberists - It is an indie song, and it is about pirates. It could only be allison and I's favorite song for weeks on end. We even had plans to enact its vengeful plot on unruly ex boyfriends.
Build Me Up Buttercup - The Temptations - Howling the lyrics to this every ten minutes with my 23 best friends for two weeks - LEP 2006. In particular, when we all just let Jay sing the lead vocals and he had 20+ backup singers.
The Luckiest - Ben Folds - I bet Ben didn't realize how bitter this song can be when he wrote it. It is certainly bittersweet because as lovely as the song is, it reminds me of every bad thing to happen to my best friend in our junior year, of which there were too many. But all those things got us where we are now, so I suppose it deserves noting.
First Day of My Life - Bright Eyes - Of course, this song makes it here. It was written on a window just for me, and I feel the same way i did when I saw it that first time every time I hear it.
Hey There Delilah - Plain White T's - Standing on the precipice of what would become a very pivotal summer with nothing more than hopes for the best, and new friends. That 'best' that we were hoping for apparently didn't get the invite, but that kind of anticipation and uncertainty that May held was kind of a great feeling, in a way.
Julie-O - Mark Summers - Allison is an amazing cellist, and reminds me I will always, always have music (and her) in my life.
Intervention - Arcade Fire - Now we are pretty much grown ups, and we have to move out into the real world, inherit all its problems and hope that maybe we can make a difference out there. To really, really kickass organ chords. (One can only hope.)
but i do know some things for myself. like I totally realize what we have isn't the ideal in a lot of respects, but when it is, when something cute or sweet happens that makes me all bubbly, not a single one of you care at all. I mean, my one year anniversary was two weeks ago. Did anyone ask me about it? No, not so much, not a fucking person. Not even my own mother. Because how could something so dysfunctional ever be good enough to make me happy? I know most of the time you are right, but there do exist two actual human beings in this relationship, with the same amount of personality qualities as anyone else, even some great ones, believe it or not. It's not fair, and I know that you've all three gone through things similar to this, but maybe you could just remember how it feels when that is all you hear from anyone. Its like no one thinks you are capable of making your own decisions, that everyone knows better than you do.
I'm not making any excuses, God knows he's done some things seriously wrong, but there is a reason I'm still happy, maybe my word will be taken on that one a little.
And to whom it may concern, on our anniversary he brought me flowers and told me he would never trade the last year for the world, for all the imperfections it might have had.
And I feel the same way.
But I'm not mad at you guys, just frustrated with the situation. Don't get me wrong.
Where have you been all my life?
... I feel so perfectly girly.
My dreams will even smell good!
1. Maybe you aren't so good for me. Maybe you fuck with me just a liiiitle too much.
2. You are going to be hella pissed at us, but I hope we are still friends after!
3. Since when do you KNOW that I hate you? I am supposed to be the bitch to -you-, not the other way around!
4. You are so yucky. What was I thinking? I guess I didn't have to be around you too much.
5. You do -want- to make things the way they were again, right? An off hour difference shouldn't be enough to do this much damage.
6. Oh grandma, what blue tights you have! What a disturbing jumper! (Yes I know you got two but whatevs I hate you twice as much as the average bear.)
7. You are doing great.
8. I am so worried for you. I don't know if you can (or will, i guess) do this without being told what to do, but I guess that doesn't say much for me.
9. Back off, beeotch!
10. Our house has a revolving door. We have a Mary Poppins date. Don't forget?
11. On and off, but the On was short this time. *phew!*
12. If I am going to spend 75+ hours locked in either a smelly room or a dark hole, I'm glad it's with you!
13. You a crazy bitch. P.S. Please do not wear different gaudy dangly earrings in each ear again, it is too hard to learn math and biology AND spanish when I am laughing that hard. (Oh God, I just realized I have 4 classes with you, GROSS!)
14. You make fun of me for it, but I do laugh at pretty much everything you say.
15. I miss you I miss you I miss you. We don't even live that far apart. What is WRONG with us?
1. I saw this coming a mile away, and believe me, I really wanted to stop it from happening. But how do you tell someone something like that? You can't and its terrible, because I would've done anything to keep you from ever being hurt, ever. No one deserves it less.
2. You sure did 180. When I first met you, I really thought all the other guys in town had a thing or two to learn from you. Turns out, the only thing anyone should learn from you is how to self-destruct and lose your perfect girlfriend and all your friends by being a lying asshole. Funny how that can sometimes happen.
3. You. There have only been two of you, and you were in some ways the most intense. I've never figured you out, and it bugs me that you dangled it in front of me and then did your famous disappearing act. I know things aren't radically different now from how they've been all year, but they feel like it. More un-bridgable. That's thanks to her of course.
4. I just thought of you totally randomly. I don't remember very much, but I do remember your eyes were grey, we listened to nirvana on your discman as ipods hadn't been invented yet, you went to the dance with a girl named Shae. Also, since I met you in the summer between 8th and 9th grade, you were the first boy I flirted with and you've got a couple other firsts too. What's become of you, I wonder. How odd that I used to know you but now we both still exist.
5. I hope things work out for you. I don't think you are fake like everyone else, I think you just have a genuinely hard time with things we all take for granted. But I think you are genuinely kind too.
6. I met you in a very impressionable time, so you came to represent everything I thought high school would be. You were such a... I don't know, a 'concept person,' if that makes any sense. Meeting you really changed my life. Hell, you were even my first kiss. (I will never get over how weird that is.) When you left, I learned about injustice for the first time. It was a big deal to fight something so hard and lose. I think we all took something away from that. I have no doubt that my life, I, would be drastically different if you had never left. We do miss you a lot, sometimes.
7. Break up with the hagfish already! Or should I say catfish. All of us remember some pretty great times with you, we would like to have some more before we graduate!
8. Man, you have a history of making me hella confused periodically. I always come to the same (and correct) conclusion, but otherwise you're a pretty fun friend.
9. Too bad you can't be as nice as you were last spring. What a weird blip. I think my best friend just has a knack for bringing out the best in those that fall for her, even if in your case the effect was tragically temporary. Man, you sure are a prick nowadays though.
10. It really, really sucks that we can never have our friend back. He used to be alright, and we miss that guy.
11. To Seth Cohen : you are my soulmate, please don't be a fictional O.C. character anymore.
12. You are just plain bizarre. Which is the opposite of a yak.
13. You are doing an excellent job, keep up the good work there, tiger.
14. I'm glad I have met your acquaintance this year, you have quite the wit and are pretty nice to boot.
15. I saved you for last because of course you mean more to me than you can imagine. I met you two and a half years ago, and yoi have been changing my life ever since. I haven't been able to get you out of my head, nor have I wanted to. You've taught me that silly little lesson they sing about so much in moulin rouge, which really is the greatest thing you'll ever learn. I digress in yucky mushiness, however. What ever ends up happening in our futures, I know you will always, always be a part of my life. I wouldn't and couldn't have it any other way. I love you.
Tuesday night I was so wracked with guilt and terror and helplessness that I actually could not sleep, period.
This came from a revelation that I actually have no desire to go to music school, a realization so huge that I became terrified I was only making it out of laziness. Also didn't help that my FRYS director thinks I quit FRYS weeks ago, something I definitely didn't do. And my legs were REALLY itchy. So no sleep.
I wondered Wednesday as I drove to math class [fifteen minutes late], am I losing it? Am I becoming ambitionless, am I giving up on myself and my dreams [not to mention my cello], do I have any convictions or passions left, who am I even anymore???
I may have been overreacting.
Since then, I have accepted that maybe music school really wasn't what I thought it would be, and maybe it isn't so terrible of me to make the decision not to follow it, at least for now.
Today, I rediscovered my passion for history. Not as lucrative or romantic as a passion to study music, but I really do like it an awful lot.
Also, I hate my stand partner.
Let me tell you why this is important.
I really cannot stand this girl. She is a chunky, obnoxious, whiny girl that never got over being voted 'best sense of humor' in eighth grade graduation. Most importantly, she is trying to be me. I earned the title 'Benevolent Dictator' within my section after months of bossing everyone around. Now she comes around, a JUNIOR, trying to boss people!
Nuh UH.
That's my job so hugely.
So now, the best way to get at someone like that is to boss them. She could never STAND it! hehehe. But it is imperative that if I am going to tell her to watch the sharps, I know the sharps pretty damn well myself, or else I will have absolutely no credibility and that just won't do. So hatred has motivated me to become a kick-ass cellist and section leader, just to piss her off.
It works, I practiced for two hours today.
So things aren't as bad as Wednesday-me thought they were. This has prompted me to come up with what I like to call
Hey, hey hey. I really think we've started off on the wrong foot here, 2008. I was innocently looking forward to you as much as the next guy, and what do I get? Two hours into you you smack me with a fever of 103.2, and the very next day you smack me with wonderful news that will keep me bedridden for the rest of your first week, and now you've convinced me to give up on music school?
Now, I don't think this is quite fair.
I've got nothing against you, 2008! In fact, you could say I've been counting down to you for twelve years; I graduate in you, I become an adult in you, I go to college in you! I'm pretty fond of you, in theory! So whats with the playa hatin'? Believe me, the last thing I need is a shitty 2008, so why don't we start over? And maybe set down some more ground rules:
1. NO MORE wonky diseases.
2. No dumb immatureness fights. I would like to actually leave high school entirely in you and not carry on that little aspect.
3. If possible, no world wars or epidemics? This may be asking a lot, but I really do have a lot on my plate already.
4. No heartbreak! None for me, none for my friends, none for anyone!
5. Goodish grades? Please?
6. No new bitches and/or hoes. The old ones will suffice.
7. No financial hardship beyond normal college poorness.
8. A little inspiration? This is a biggie.
9. Maturity for me!
10. As for my friends, I'm pretty good with them. Please do not be evil to them either.
Thank you, 2008, and I'm sure if we can both follow these little guidelines things will shape up in a hurry.
P.S. Oh and THANKS for making me think we went back to school on the 9th! lies, all lies.
Queries:
Why am I up so late on finals night?
Since when do I consider 11:43 pm to be late?
Am I now a granny?
More importantly,
Why the hell can't I stop blogging?
1. If you aren't well liked, I must not be either, because we are hella similar. I like you! We can hang out anyway, right? [This one is double counted.]
2. You and I are in this one together, which makes it so much less horrible. We just have to figure out what the hell we need to do.
3. Your family is far more adorable than you give them credit for. You seem to function pretty darn well with them, better than I do with my dad, anyway.
4. Go to hell, I still say plants can't fucking breathe, you mind-decimating Nazi ho bags.
5. Why did you make me such a lovely, lovely cupcake? Even your ENVELOPE was amazing. Gah, worst friend in the world award goes to yours truly!
6. I know you're excited, but keep your skirts on, it will be awhile.
7. We would probably get sick of bailing each other out if it didn't save -both- of us from sheer annihilation pretty evenly. Thanks for being my bee eff eff, biology is only the tip of the iceberg of things I could never do without you!
8. Okay, this is getting silly. TWO months without seeing you? I need to give you your fudge! Also, as a side note, Alli and I are going to do all of the nice things in the world for you. That is that.
9. Where'd you go? We miss you so. Fucker. (also, since when do I quote Ft. Minor?)
10. It still isn't you, but if it was you it would make things way easier.
11. Really, that is just not nice. What's done is done. Especially in this case.
12. Be home! I want to play!
13. September can never ever ever ever come.
14. I'm going to try my hardest with you, but I always come back to thinking
15. It would have been me.
and i might have loved it.
but really, I don't know what I mean by that.
Left And Leaving
The Weakerthans
My city's still breathing (but barely it's true)
through buildings gone missing like teeth.
The sidewalks are watching me think about you,
sparkled with broken glass.
I'm back with scars to show.
Back with the streets I know
Will never take me anywhere but here.
The stain in the carpet, this drink in my hand,
the strangers whose faces I know.
We meet here for our dress-rehearsal to say " I wanted it this way"
Wait for the year to drown.
Spring forward, fall back down.
I'm trying not to wonder where you are.
All this time lingers, undefined.
Someone choose who's left and who's leaving.
Memory will rust and erode into lists of all that you gave me:
a blanket, some matches, this pain in my chest,
the best parts of Lonely, duct-tape and soldered wires,
new words for old desires,
and every birthday card I threw away.
I wait in 4/4 time.
Count yellow highway lines that you're relying on to lead you home.
So I did something that no one in the entire universe ever ever EVER expected me to do, with the list of skeptics beginning with me, fo sho. But I did it anyway...
I just sort of stopped hating Julia... weird.
I was just sitting there behind her, and she had this text from Sam on her phone that she was as usual showing off to Jen, and I was as usual sitting there literally seething. I hated the concept of her with my CMF, to steal a term from emma, (Close male friend lol) so much that my hands would actually shake and I would feel faint and sick from all the blood rushing to my face. So I was sitting back there, all of that happening to me, and I realized, 'hey, this literally FEELS shitty. this is absolutely no fun at all. Actually, this sucks.' And I noticed, hey, if i can notice this, why couldn't i just... take the easier path? Wouldn't it feel a lot nicer just to look at Julia (which I have to do a lot and will have to do even more next semester) and not have my blood boil? Of course this is 99% to do with Sam... last night I ended up feeling really bad for him, for being so stuck with a girl friend and a friend who were seemingly mortal enemies for good. I left him with that exact idea, I thought the same thing. I even told him I wouldn't even be CIVIL to her for his sake. But tonight at rehearsal, it just suddenly seemed so stupid. I have to see her ALL the time, and she is dating my friend, who actually does deserve to be happy, however that is accomplished, and on top of all that it had been quite some time since she actually did anything to me directly, or to anyone I like. So... I asked her if she thought 14 December was too early to make New Years Resolutions. She didn't think so, so i told her i was thinking about resolving to STOP being a high school girl. Ironically, this morning I told William that I had this weird feeling that this whole scandal would be my last hurrah, gossip wise, and I think I might have been more correct than I anticipated. I told Julia that really, when it came down to it being mean or angry all the time doesn't get anyone anywhere, so I thought I would just stop. Especially with her dating Sam and all. She probably didn't appreciate being thrown directly into the conversation like that, but she did engage, and she asked me if i had a big problem with that. I told her I really, really really did until about ten minutes previous. But that it got old. And did she want to get coffee some time on break.
Really, the best thing about this was the reaction it got from Sam. I mean, anyone who is acquainted with either of us would be completely baffled to walk into a room and see her and I chatting away about CAS hours and Mr Harris. Sam literally stood back and pointed at us and yelled 'what in the HELL is going on? Who ARE you people?!' and it was kind of awesome. When do you ever freak people out by being nice? And honestly, it was so much easier to be in their shared proximity tonight. No threat of vomit. Nice.
So, yeah, its unexpected and yes very weird. No, I am not sure that it will/can stick, or that i won't change my mind. No, this isn't universal, I haven't began having ideas of having a girls night with Cat and Kathrin and Andrea and whoever, I am still mostly sane. No, I'm not expecting anyone else to share my conversion (although peace is generally preferable to outright warfare in the situations in which it can be readily achieved.) But I guess for now I will give it a go... and so will she, I suppose.
I miss my cello.
I miss Alli.
I miss FRYS.
I miss Jake.
I miss my boyfriend.
I miss reading.
I miss Sam and Danielle.
I miss my sister.
I miss shopping.
I miss my past.
I miss writing.
I miss sleepovers.
I miss Aaron and Eli.
I miss clarity.
I miss Annie.
I miss TV.
I miss A's.
I miss fucking SLEEP.
So, assuming I can finish my IA tonight -
Can I have all that back please?
The Transpiration Lab of Doom and Destruction is FINISHED. CORRECTLY.
It nearly killed me. Good Lord.
I have completed this 6 page biology lab no less than four different times.
Each time, as I finish my last data table (The lab involves finding 28 averages, 196 standard deviations) I realize that I have either averaged or found the standard deviation of the wrong data.
Each time takes me an hour.
I have never felt so hopeless in my life. I wish I was exaggerating. I cannot forsee myself ever correctly completing this lab. It was due today... I've spent 5 hours redoing the data collection only. Let alone the graph I am bound to screw up royally another 4 times.
Why haven't I dropped out yet? This isn't fucking worth it.
-paint a parrot grey to look like a pigeon, make it memorize ATM numbers and steal money for us.
-set our houses on fire and collect the insurance money.
-kidnap a freshmen for a ransom.
-kill an elephant and sell ites tusks on the black market.
-cure AIDS before Wednesday and sell the vaccine.
-make nuclear materials deals with Iran.
-Transport cocaine across the border.
-get a boxer to throw the big fight and bet on his underdog opponent.
-start a worldwide phenomenon pop group and sell tix for >$1000 each.
-write the gread American novel.
-find out an ultra top secret CIA operation and blackmail the government.
-sell our bodies to the night, of course.
-bet best friend's Babe Ruth baseball in high stakes poker game and actually remember to win.
-steal an Alaskan glacier under cover of darnkess and sell to Saudis for drinking water.
-train a seal to paint in watercolor and sell its work.
-sell 1/8th of Ian Lausa's hoodies.
-sue McDonalds because I stepped on a Happy Meal Transformer toy yesterday and it hurt like a bitch.
-find a peasant girl to marry who can spin gold thread after shady dealings with 'good' fairy.
-sell our eggs from our ovaries.
-run donation drive for rabid squirrel awareness and keep da moolah.
-make fake alter-ego, get him a social security # and a credit card and charge as many as we like.
-sell Connor's kidnies.
-Scrounge in penny tray at 7-11 and in car, in between couch cushions. You never know.
I'm older and wiser.
But still...
fuck. I didn't see that coming.
From a Myspace survey:
"19. Do you find members of the opposite sex confusing?
GOD YES. It's like trying to read german written in hebrew upside-down with words missing. It's like trying to explain why the chicken came before the egg. It's like trying to live in Antarctica with nothing but a spatula. It's IMPOSSIBLE."
-Jake
"I fight like hell to hide that I am giving up."
-Conor Oberst
-Tiny trees
-huge vats of water with a current running through them to nowhere
-A FUCKIN PILE OF SNOW
but i got to hit jake in the face with a snowball and there is NO WAY he EVER could have seen it coming.
Dear Amanda,
It's beyond awesome that one can be born with a readymade best friend who is as rocking awesome as you are. I feel so lucky that I just -get- this fantastic girl who is basically funnier than anyone I will ever meet, hotter than a fox (which is just a bonus when walking around in public - residual check-outs, you know) AND who I can have in-depth conversations with at distances of across a 100 yard concert hall. Also, we rock because us screaming at each other and kicking smalls of backs is now simply a tool of general stress relief, and you will still clean my room before Mom gets home if I need it. Well, sometimes. How awesome that I can't concievably ever fall out with you!
Dear Emma,
If there is one thing we do really really well, it is persevere. Its probably because we are both so god damn stubborn, but it will take a hell of a lot for us to ever stop being bee eff effs. Its going on six years that we have been a singular entity, and a total of nine years of dirt and the like that we have on each other. We are never in anything on our own, because we have grown up loving and helping each other through everything that has been thrown at us, and that has definetly included some serious curve balls. (sidenote: I should not watch the Rockies while writing my best friend a love letter.) But I digress. I couldn't do this without you, emmala. This is the kind of thing I intend on keeping for as long as humanly possible (read: fo eva!)
Dear Ian,
I love you so so SO much. We haven't had an easy go of it, overall. We had to really work at this, but all that work just makes being with you that much sweeter, because we have had to really earn it. We are totally devoted to each other, and I can't imagine how empty my life would be without you in it. As far as all the rest of your friends go, we all admire you for how unwaveringly kind you are. I know you don't always see that as a good thing because yes, it can get you taken advantage of, but if someone needs you, you will do anything for them. A friend of yours could never feel unwanted or unsure that you are the most genuine person they know. You have the status of my only love, which means I am completely yours. (So whaddya say... wanna date? lol)
Dear Alli,
It was really hard to write that letter about you, because it didn't cut it to say (truthfully) that you really are unique in every way. You are loving and loyal to be sure, but throw on top of that witty, exciting, imaginative, playful and insightful in everything you do. At the same time. Whilst juggling. I don't care if we're on opposite coasts next year, you are fantastic enough to fill up the whole stupid middle! All the time I spend with you stands out sharply in my memory, because for you nothing is ever regular or ordinary. A huge chunk of what I remember as high school will be the times I spent with you, perusing Broadway, making pies, being broken at pit, being called a slut at vampire movies with you and also our favorite activity of mocking everything in sight... You make up a huge part of me, and that can never change.
Dear Kelsey,
A gangsta-ass nigga plays her cards right! (um, that'd be you.) I know I love you because I know you would have giggled had you read the word 'whilst' above. I love you because you can make fun of me (and I you) to no ends, and we'll just laugh harder. I love that the first night we spent together by ourselves, we ended up in a place called Barbara Ann drive. And most of all, I admire you because you will always be surrounded with people you love because you value your friends above all else. As we do you.
Dear Annie,
You really deserve a best friend status, because we only see each other steadily for one twentyfirst of the year, and regardless we always pick up just where we left off. You get me amazingly well, and I love everything about you, for real. Whether we are coffeeing at our semi-monthly coffee date or over taping the taut tarps, we have a blast. Everything you do is heartfelt and passionate. You will really the next great American writer, a lot because of that. You open up, and put yourself so far on the line that I could never imagine being so brave. I know I can always trust you and that we will always be there for each other to lean on.
Dear Jake,
I have never seen you do a mean thing. Wow. I got to be really close with you suprisingly fast, considering we used to only see each other maybe once every two months before FRYS started. You deserve the world, because that is what you give to your friends. All the rest of us can do is try to keep up with you, and maybe even learn from your example of what a best friend should be.
Dear Danielle,
I got a big sister at 17 years old. And she is everything a fantastic one should be. While we are always the first to admit we are SO the unlikeliest of friends, I think the adverse circumstances we overcame to get here really show that we aren't the fairweather type. I can always come to you with things I can barely even admit to myself, and you can always help me rationalize and decompress and generally come out of any of our discussions a better person. I wish I could give to you as much as you give to me, but for now I'll just have to continue working on your Christmas present I've started ;-)
Dear Ben,
I came back to my favorite place in the world this summer, and you were one of the two people that made it what it was this time around. It was different for both of us this year, but we had each other through it, and that built up a huge trust between us. I miss you so much! Its not fair that we have so much going on right now that I can't even talk to one of my best friends in the world, just because you live a state away. You would be fascinated how much my friends at school have heard about 'my best friend Ben from LEP', and that is because you are so unique that after knowing you I see things with your spin on them, that spin being one of pure awesome.
Dear Lauren (Golder),
Every one of our mutual friends always talks about you with close to downright reverence. You really are a goddess! We never take ourselves too seriously (hoot! we're owls!), refuse to take others who take themselves too seriously too seriously (bono!), and we always have the time of our lives together. You live one-hundred percent for yourself, and that makes you unlike anyone else I know. You were totally shocked when I told you you are (well, were) intimidating, but that is just because people don't really know what to do when they're faced with real individuality.
Dear Lane,
I am nothing but comfortable around you. I could be having the shittiest of ever-so-shitty days, and you are always the one to smile and wave at me and act genuinely excited to see me, as I always am to see you! Your sense of humor and your friendliness and especially your sky-high self esteem leave everyone around you feeling like life really can be fun, if you let it be. I unwind whenever I'm with you, and its great to be able to have a friend like that. Oh, and you will make a BEYOND excellent vampire for aych-ay-double ell-oh ween!
Dear Lauren (Scott),
It was a little surprising to me that when I was counting off in my head the people who make my life worth living, you were way up here. And that's saying nothing about how amazing of a friend you are, because you really are one of my favorite people. Can anyone who has ever met you honestly say you've never made them laugh till they've cried? You know who you are, and if people don't like it you will be the first to flip them the bird, and that is the kind of attitude we all sometimes wish we could live by. You're really the least fake person I know, which is really hard to believe from an outsider's perspective, because it doesn't seem right that one person could be so BOMBastic! Also, its awesome that to you 'grubass' means delicious. I love Lauren speak!
Love, Love, Love, Love, Love, Love, Love, Love, Love, Love, Love, Love,
The Person Whose Life You All Make Worth Living.
That the films:
-Rock-a-doodle
-Happily Ever After
-Once Upon a Forest
-All Dogs Go to Heaven
-Dumbo
-The Great Mouse Detective
-Pinocchio
Not only existed outside of a dream state, but also -
were kinda (and in some cases, very) creepy.
Yay, 90's crack cartoons! Movie night once ROT-tober is over?
1.I missed you! I was afraid things would be different now, but now I can rest quite assured, we're both pretty fond of each other. On account of how distinguished we are. Quite.
2.It was really nice hanging with you again today. I can really let my guard down for once. Maybe we'll actually get close like back in the day, that would be beyond rockin awesome.
3.I love seeing you in your element like this... This always brings out the best in you, which just proves that you really are pretty darn selfless with the people who matter to you.
4.Really? REALLY? Careful now, this weekend its dinner, next month you'll be planning the seating chart of your wedding.
5.Enigma, much? What are you really getting at? Because we both know you are never without a motive.
6.You are like, -the- easiest person to get along with. It's like, 1. meet you 2. love you like mad and trust you to all ends. Do you know how rare that is? Wanna teach me your tricks?
7.How can you possibly be so mean? How is any of this your place? It really blows me away... and why would you EVER expect me to still want to talk to you after that???
8.Sorry I online dumped you... Not classy, I know. I hope this won't make me suck... But it is nice to lose that little twinge of guilt whenever I walk by my cello. Or is that twinge actually something I should keep going? God, I AM going to suck.
9.Oh, I SO knew it!!! See, they're objective, and they still think you are whacko! Cause you are! Step off!
10.You are charming. You know, I hate time. You and I need far more of it.
11.A lot of the things that have made me 'me' over the last two years are now subtly tainted by you. Will I still be able to be proud of those things? Can I keep my memories without being ashamed of them? Thanks a goddamn load, you psycho.
12.I like you, definitely. Beware, however, that I have no qualms in putting the bee eff eff whammy on you should you screw up. Ask the last one... No mercy!
13.That girl should duck during the Spanish movement.
14.If not entirely trustworthy, you are A. Fun to hang out with and B. fun to be seen in the company of. Man you're cute.
15.Finally! You've got the moves, now use them! I hope she's cool enough.
100 points to the bear of chinese origin that can name that tune.
So this school year has been on for 5 days, and already, I have:
-done more homework than I'm pretty sure I did all junior year.
-cheated on homework (but I did it legit the first time, its not my fault my computer is an asshole.)
-Gotten KEVA yes!
-Had one (of hopefully to be very many) of my favorite off hours in memory.
-Forgiven one enemy, even though it was sort of on accident.
-Had a fight with my best friend and
-Resolved it within 48 hours
-and now things are lovely in that respect. Funny how honesty sometimes can, you know, solve things.
-missed/worried about/been excited for my now collegiate significant other
-missed -3- parties due to work
-at which I made about $150 in 3 days, so who's complaining
-met a fellow that, if I wasn't already madly in love, I could have trailing me in a second, which is always a self-esteem boost.
-neglected to practice my cello for the third week in a row.
-Secured tickets to four amazing concerts, 3 of which happen in a series of 5 September days I like to call 'the weekend of AWESOME'
-Made plans to actually visit my prospective colleges (which sadly entails giving up the last Halloween of my childhood, sad.)
-Wrote a blog.
Aren't you proud of me?
Yeah, right.
:-P
Extremely foul mood.
Pissed, but clearly ever-so-hypocritical.
Worried that I might become something I didn't want to and not even mind.
Missing Allison like crazy.
Paranoid, in an inconvieniently bitchy manner.
Hourly panic attacks about the fuckmeuptheass essay I have to do.
Bi-hourly panic attacks about the second chair I have no prayer of obtaining.
Feeling abandoned (I already said hypocritical, I know).
Having second thoughts.
Terrified.
I fucking miss you, alright? That pisses me off too. Traditionally, I'd call you when I get like this, but since you're such a fuck-up, I can't even (ever) do that. Congradulations, asshole.
We're fading out and dwindling fast. I fucking hate it.
I can't do it like she can, I'm the exact opposite - to me they're damn near impossible to come by, even harder to let go of.
Who can I vent to anymore? It'll just upset or anger the only two I've got. I know fully well that I'll be in a world of hurt whenever this one gets read. C'est la vie.
and what's more, I'm probably going to be wallowing like this for the whole of next month, until I get to LEP...
...what better time to reopen my blog, then?
To elaborate, I couldve sworn I wrote about 3 other blogs since the layout change, but I always forget to actually write them down and then they do not end up here. Catch up with myself time.
A fifteen? Yes, please.
1. Miss Cheese is messing with us. I can't find any IB jewelry -anywhere.-
2. You're finally fading out, and it couldn't have come a moment too soon. Make sure not to send a postcard from wherever the hell you end up, no one's going to care to read it (if all goes as it should.)
3. I find that hilarious, just because its you. Ian was totally horrified though.
4. You're tricky to figure out... you aren't an angel, but how bad do you go? Does it bother me? Who knows.
5. I guess karmic retribution is pretty swift with you. You try to do that a second time, and both of them are pretty much gone in an instant. But you looked way too miserable today for me to think you really deserved it that much.
6. You know what I decided? I do want to go. I'll even get you a cute present. Why is it any of my business what you do or who you do it with? Also I feel like a moron for ever believing him.
7. The first one is shady, the second one can't help it, and the third one kind of gets screwed in every direction here. That's shitty. You totally don't need that.
8. It was worth it, bunches of times over. The last two weeks have been more than I could've ever wished for.
9. Hey, I really think you should go for it. Shes pretty much the catchiest catch one can catch. She talks about you so adorably - so that's what it was like to like you, eh? Makes sense. But yeah, anyway, if it happens I guarantee you you're in for a fantastic next couple months.
10. You are amazing. I can't wait to see you. Thank you so much for this slice of amazingness. I love the cover. And the bali-wood like vocals on Coat Check Dream Song. Jeez.
<3
I'm 17 now, yay. I hope this month will be more of one of the starty-overy (haha that sounds like ovary) months, because I'm in desperate need of a do-over.
Thanks for talking to me tonight. I feel better, even though I still have some major repenting to do. Its a good thing we're still the same person even if we get snarky.
I'm still working out how these things work... well at least how they work at this point. I like it though, and hopefully when I figure it out I can gossip with you about it again, because I've been itching to lately.
Anyway.
So I'm not even gonna get into Lewis and Clark anyway, so I'm glad I don't have to worry about it. Not even 4.0 president Indians have a shot, darn it.
I want to play A Cello Rondo.
I do not want my phone interview for LEP.
I want to wear my prom dress.
I do not want to dance like a moron.
I want Qdoba for lunch tomorrow.
I do not want Spanish tomorrow.
I want summer.
I do not want graduation.
So that's that.
Like the layout?
So I Got this as a myspace bulletin from three guys I'm friends with there and got a bit... Defensive. This Was the bulletin -
98% of teens are so devoted to their religion, they start religious bulletins. 2% of teens think the other 98% should shut up and quit posting these religious bulletins.
one of the main causes for war is religion
-during the crusades, the catholics went to kill all the arabs and take isreal for their own because......they thought it was their god given right
-WWII was the product of adolf hitler killing off the jews....because that was their religion
-the war with terror is really a country full of christians pissed off at a country full of muslims, who are pissed off with the christians
-jesus christ never told anyone to build a belief system off of him.
-the higher powers in the church or any belief tell the followers whatever they want them to think, they tell you what is right, they tell you what is wrong. they are as corrupt as polititions (can anyone say child molestation)
-when some one insults your religion, do you stick up for it?
no, its a belief system, their ideas, and usually not yours. most of the time the religions, morals, and beliefs you stick up for are not even your own, their someone else's, and that person got them into your head.
-fuck religion, get your own beliefs, if religion was so great, it wouldn't cause half the worlds wars,because religion is just another word for control, control over you, control over the masses
fuck religion, its better off dead, (theocide)
if you think religion should no longer exist repost as "jesus christ"
__________________________________________________
And this was my reply:
So where exactly did that made up 'statistic' come from? You really think 98% of American teenagers have a religion? or aren't too scared to admit it to anyone? Also, do some research, Nazi Germany wasn't Christian, and Jews were exterminated because of their race, not religion. Converted Jews didn't escape gas chambers, they were persecuted for not being Aryan Germans.
I won't argue that holy wars tend to be the most bloody, or that some church officials can be corrupt, but that doesn't make the -religions- the bad element. most religions are based on principles on leading lives based on these principles - look at what Christ taught; love and respect and forgiveness and kindness. Other than the select few who take things wrong or too far, who is to say someone who believes in Christ is 'mind controlled' or any less deserving of respect than anyone else? Religion itself isn't to blame, religion is often a beautiful thing. Don't let the violent and ignorant (who would be violent and ignorant no matter if they were religious or not) condemn something that helps so many people and generally has decent ideas on its own.
So Thursday was in many ways one of the most surreal days of my life - I pretty much lost it, I was crying from the time I woke up to the time I was halfway through Spanish class. I couldnt really describe why, but it was really just everything and anything, from missing my friends to my psych IA..... pretty much the only things I -wasn't- crying about were Ian and people from LEP, they're the only stable things I have going..... then once i gathered myself, i went home and ran about 7 miles round trip, then threw up (don't run 7 miles) and then went to a Taking Back Sunday concert and hugged Adam Lazarra. So polar opposites- totally depressed to totally totally elated. So bizarre. and now I'm really really sore from the run. but thats unrelated.
and as it should be, my one hundreth post is marked with a 15.
1. Do I seriously need to schedule time with you?
2. You're sneaky, if I didn't already know I wouldn't know..... If that makes sense.
3. You're way nicer than usual - is there something you want?
4. It's getting to be like old times just in time for things to end. Ew.
5. Lawnchairs and Down Vests. Freaking Down vests. That sounds like a FOB album.
6. I'm just as scared as you are.
7. Let's do it.
8. I'm really glad you feel the same way.
9. I'm there.
10. You're hot. Oh man.
11. I miss you, and
12. I hope this helps.
13. Just wait a bit.
14. I need it to be July 22.
15. I still need it to be July 22.
Everyone in our generation inherently believes they aren't as happy as everyone used to be. We have this big conception that we are all alone and alienated where people used to be, what, buddies with everyone in our town? Our parents didn't grow up in Mayberry, they didn't waltz down to Floyd the Barber's and get their hair cut by a guy that's known them since they were born, and we know that if we think about it. But for some reason, we still have this idea that our generation is so much different. We're the 'ipod generation,' aren't we? But look at what titles other eras have earned for its youth - World War I's Lost Generation, The Greatest Generation of World War II, the Beats of the fifties, Generation X. They all shared something really huge - what we share is a three inch long piece of hardware that we plug into... But really, we aren't crazy. We are missing something that our parents and the generations before them had. We are missing a collective culture. It's really the paradox of choice, we have so many alternatives that its actually keeping us from having anything in common with anyone else. (now entering a direct quote from the aforementioned title) We want the maximum number of alternatives; in the short term, choice improves our lives, and we're completely aware of that. The problematic rub is that - over time - choice isolates us. We have fewer shared experiences, and that makes us feel alone. The proliferation of choice makes us feel vaguely alienated, and that makes us depressed. But this relationship is not something we're conscious of, because it seems crazy to attribute loneliness to freedom. We just think we're inexplicably less happy than we should be. (this is me again) For example, if you are out browsing Barnes and Noble and the fellow next to you picks up a Bell Orchestre CD and you say 'hey, that's my favorite eleven-piece prog instrumental album ever!,' your chances of getting the number of said browser increase a good forty percent. If your new lab partner off-handedly quotes a line from Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, you will immediately like this girl more. If at lunch you hear a group of sophomores discussing how cool Chip and Dale Rescue Rangers was when we were little, you will question the supposed inferiority of said underclassmen and even join in, adding how there is no way 'Jake Long: American Dragon' could ever compare to the most ridiculous episode of 'Ducktales.' That's not the purpose of art and culture (i can't believe I just called Ducktales culture...) but it's probably the biggest social benefit; these shared expreiences are how we connect with other people, and it's how we understand our own identity. However, all of the examples I mentioned are specific and personal; they are only pockets of shared existance. They are things individual people choose to understand, and finding others who understand them equally are products of coincidence. But our parents didn't have this problem. Everyone knew who the Beatles were, everyone knew who Johnny Carson was. They were things everybody understood, even if they didn't try. Which is why we may never have another Johnny Carson. When given the choice, we'd all rather be happy now... even if that guarantees we'll all be sad later.
1. It's not an ideal situation, but I'm really excited for where it'll end up. You're going to be really happy. You deserve it.
2. The only place worse than where you used to be is where you are now. And I can't think of anyone who deserves it less.
3. I used to want to be you. Now I can't sleep because I am.
4. You aren't going to notice (I wouldn't either, it's not something you think about then) so she's going to have to tell you. Take her seriously, and try to understand. You will, I'm not worried.
5. I'm scared, but you're worth it.
6. You haven't done anything wrong. / I know you too well to mistake caution for animosity.
7. Are you okay? I actually do care, even if that seems weird.
8. I know you wanted it too, even though it was just a little. I can read you like Hooked on Phonics.
9. Why didn't you practice more? That was kind of embarrassing.
10. If it's any consolation (and I know it's not) I kind of hate myself for it, and I feel almost as guilty as I do happy.
11. In some ways, I trust you more than anyone.
12. I disappoint you. I didn't used to. I even disappoint myself now.
13. I'm not cut out for this.
14. It's time. You don't need it anymore. But I understand that for a long time you did.
15. How dare you. Seriously.
okay so i realize the four of you who read this have pretty much all heard me beat this subject like the dead horse it is, but i really don't think my blog can go entirely without mention of the events of thursday night.
clearly, we didn't do anything wrong. but what i don't like is how disappointed i was that we couldn't, or that it wouldve been wrong in the first place. it just means i am not over this like i thought i was, and that he isn't anywhere close either. the whole time, it felt like every other time we've had serious talks late at night in dark, enclosed spaces with lots of people around. think about it, that is the exact circumstance for things starting for us 2/3 of the time, and then add thursday. but the glaring difference this time wasn't that (for once) we didn't want to be with each other, (we did,) it was just that we couldn't under any further existing circumstances. even if not for the existance of a certain curly haired obstacle i shant name, its just out of the question anymore. which is entirely my fault, i can see my own weaknesses pretty easily. i can't be trusted anymore.
but overall, what i regret isn't even close to that we couldn't do what we thought we wanted to thursday, its that we are incapable of not wanting it. what is it about us that makes it so we can never be happy at the same time? we'll never be together properly, we'll never-ever be 'just friends,' and i don't want him out of my life entirely, which is the only way i seriously think we'll ever move on from all this. this has dominated the last 14 months of my life, and only for 5 months out of all of them were we actually ever happy... and i don't even know if thats true for myself. more accurately i must be at 3. 11 of the last 14 months we've been in a needlessly complicated and humiliatingly dramatic limbo, and i just wish we didn't have to act like this. we can't be happy where we are... and if either of us ever tries, it is just the other one's nature to be secretly crushed about it. we can't help it. we are chickens with our heads cut off, nigh incapable of funtioning.
but at least we remain morally-concious chickens.
TOK?
Seriously?
T. O. K.
T as in turtle?
And you made it sound like that??
----How---- am I supposed to choose?
This was -so- not an issue a week ago.
I sound like a morose intellectual. *_*
Worst day ever.
-First day ever driving to school. I was so shitty at getting into the parking lot (NEVER USE THE KIPLING TURN IN) a guy actually GOT OUT OF HIS CAR to yell at me.
-Five minutes late to my first final.
-Found out I failed a take home test that I RIDICULOUSLY cheated on.
-Proceeded to fail math final.
-History FRQ final. Not that hard, but still really stressful.
-Started my period unexpectedly (sorry, boy reader(s) ((wait, not (s))
-Got stuck at the bottom of my driveway (the only unshoveled one in the street, I may add)
-Shoveled said driveway for 45 minutes to no avail.
-Saddle Creek (Bright eyes store) sent me the same box of stuff twice (not really a big problem as they didn't even charge me for the second box, but now I'll prolly have to ship it back to Nebraska.)
-My Bio and Math grades will be C's.
-My English teacher is trying to give me a B. In ENGLISH.
Emo.
Fall out boy concert tonight.
Great show.
Great company (i recommend seeing shows with ian!)
they didn't come out, but it was like 20 degrees, so its okay.
ow.
sore.
that means it -had- to be good.
'if we weren't on the phone, i would know, because you close your eyes and nod.'
'i do not do that.'
'yes, or else you smile and blink twice. [pause] see, you just did it.'
[i did] 'huh... i did. how did you know that?'
'i just know you. i am extremely fluent in kayla.'
They -cancelled- The OC.
I loved that freaking show.
Only 6 more episodes ever.
*die*
First blog of this year... The last night of 2006 was no bueno, that is -after- I left alli's, as she is amazing. But my new year's kiss was pretty much my dog. sooo yeah. Way to be lame, New Year's Eve, 2006.
But, on the other hand, I was able to go see my fantastic friends twice this weekend, something that wouldn't have ever happened if I didn't have...
MY LISCENCE!!!
yes. yes a lot.
This break isn't the best I've ever had, but not even close to the worst. I'd be looking forward to school a lot more if I didn't have a math and history final the first day back.
And my poor cello, soo neglected. It really shouldn't be, either.
It's really weird, I remember waking up crying sometime last night over some dream. I can't for the life of me remember what it was. Something was being taken away from me. Not a person... Oh well. I wonder why people are able to start crying in their sleep? It's really fascinating to me. Can you wake yourself up laughing? I don't think I ever have... But then again, maybe laughing is just a lot less memorable.
The 15's are getting me in trouble. I'm going to back off those.
RRRRRRRRSHHHHHRSSSZZHHSSHHHHHHSSSSSSZZZZZZRRRR
the noise of my vacuum. That word -totally- has two u's. That is the best.
I spent the last hour looking back over all my blogs. Man, this summer... the most action-packed time of my last three years. I'd like to live it again, everything was... right. And interesting, at the same time.
Hey, 2007, try to be like that, okay?
1. That we don't even care as restless as we are, we feel the pull in the land of a thousand guilts and poured cement.
2. See, sometimes when you get that taste of wanting things, You only want for yourself. If you ask me, that's where it gets dangerous.
3. And all you see is where else you could be when you’re at home.
4. Aint it just like the night to play tricks when you’re trying to be so quiet?
5. 'Cause what is simple in the moonlight, By the morning never is.
6. The fragile keep secrets gathered in pockets. And they will sell them for nothing - a cheap watch or locket - that kind of gold washes off
7. This house, it holds nothing but the memories.
8. is this real, or is it just the way we communicate?
9. Go ahead as you waste your days with thinking
10. Well I’m not a child. No I am much younger than that
11. And now, I'm confused. Is this death really you?
12. I’m nothing without their love.
Zimgirl16 [10:44 P.M.]: half of me was hoping you'd be like, 'oh yeah, just start taking a couple ginsing supplements a day, that gets rid of all unwanted romantic feelings in a week flat'
________________________________
SedatedTimeBomb [11:10 P.M.]: Well, think about it! You sit around waiting for the call, and next thing you know, you're 30 working a dead end job with nothing but contempt for life. And then there's the ginsing. Without that, you'd be... un ginsinged.
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AMS booboo [10:25 P.M.]: i think it has snowed enough...Zimgirl16 [10:25 P.M.]: ha, totally Zimgirl16 [10:27 P.M.]: ill go outside and go, 'alright, thank you, snow, youve been great, but we're going a different direction that doesnt involve staring at your white ass for the next week, so, someone will be with you shortly to collect your nametag. (it says big huge jerk on it, btw)
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IF YOUR LIFE WAS A MOVIE, WHAT WOULD THE SOUNDTRACK BE?
-Open iTunes-Shuffle-Play-For every question, type the song that's playing-When you go to a new question, press the next button
Opening Credits: Old Flame - Arcade Fire
Waking Up: Season - The Academy Is..... (funny, the first words are 'wake up think fast')
First Day At School: I'm not okay - My Chemical Romance
Making Your New Best Friend: Dammit - Blink 182
Falling In Love: Sleeping In - The Postal Service
Breaking Up: Ionizes and Atomizes - Modest Mouse
Prom: Absolutely Sweet Marie - Bob Dylan
Graduation: Feeling This - Blink 182
Life's Okay: July, July! - The Decemberists
Death of a Close Friend: Lost and Found - Senses Fail
Driving: Spitting Games - Snow Patrol
Flashback: Ocean Avenue - Yellowcard
Getting Back Together: Lover's Spit - Broken Social Scene
Birth of Child: Baby Body - Youth Group (ha, how funny)
Wedding Scene: Here in Your Arms - Hellogoodbye
Car Accident: Crazy Mary - Pearl Jam
Final Battle: Take Back - Green Day
Death Scene: Recording a Tunnel (The Horns Play Underneath the Canal) - Bell Orchestre
Funeral Song: Candlelight - Imogen Heap
End Credits: Smile Like You Mean It - The Killers
This is the letter I wrote to myself four months ago while having the time of my life at LEP, which was delivered to me today. I really, really needed it. I like remembering that at one point, I had confidence and felt worth it.
Hey Stranger,
Four months ago, you were having a great time. You may now be reaching the winter doldrums, but I hope this letter cheers you up if that's the case. I usually tell you about me, but it is so intruiguing that I know nothing about you. How is IB? The orchestra? Did Beauty and the Beast go beautifully? Do you have a boyfriend? Is he someone I know? What about for the rest of school?
Have you called everyone from LEP? Okay, if you haven't, drop this letter right now, this instant. Call Corynn and go to a concert. Go climb something with Maddy and Paul. For God's sake, have a sleepover!
Are the movies done? Does everyone have one?
What are you listening to? Right now its Fall Out Boy. Yesterday, all Death Cab.
At LEP you are open. You communicate. You are funny. You like Amanda( does she have braces? I hope not.....)
You fling sticky frisbees at the ceiling for hours.
You paint your nails every four days and dress quite excellently.
You are confident.
Are you?
You are your own limitation, you know.
Trust people. No matter where your friends are in the circle, someone will always be there to catch you.
You've eaten Rocky Mountain Oysters.
Don't fret. You're a pretty cool kid, no matter how your current situation may be making you feel. I hope you believe in me as much as I believe in you.
<3
Kayla
1. I am so beyond happy for you, and I am SO beating up anyone that says otherwise! (NOT ALLOWED)
2. Our conclusions suck.
3. Damn you, finals. (not belonging here but still)
4. You seem to be way more like me than i thought previously. Neat! It makes you much more accessible.
5. You had better do things right this time. You're doing really well to start, keep up the good work.
6. Why won't you ever come with us?
7. $30 is a stupid price, stupid.
8. Why did you do that? I know why. And I wasn't lying at all last night. I wish things were different. I would change it if i could go back.
9. Don't show seniors such sad movies! You broke them all.
10. You two crack me up. Why all the defensive? I think you got a wrong memo that said I was a bit cooler (and more vulnerable) than you think, though.
11. To one of you two - I see where you got the idea, but I don't know what makes it so you think i need a talking to.
12. Why would anyone ever be mad at you?
13. YOURE WEARING A CAPE!!!!! A CAPE!!!!! there, i said it.
14. Don't get blown up.
15. You'll get there. But i think i know when and you won't like it.
When I say these things, I need to be less thinly-veiled. On both fronts, I just need to accept them. I wonder if it they have something in common. Maybe I'm just jealous of anyone/everyone. I don't really believe that. But then again, I don't really believe what he wrote, and I don't believe anything about the other one either, so maybe I'm just even more near-sighted than I thought. (Or i should say far sighted, but in the wrong direction.)
So maybe missing Dateapalooza Extravaganza was a stroke of luck....
And Ian is so totally a liarface.
So is Emma/Alexia.
At home all night this fine, chilly Saturday evening.
I would've made it to the master class, I swear! If only it were in 20 days from now - Liberation.
I wonder how Dateapalooza Extravaganza went.....
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Funny how things cycle, always on the same rhythm with me... Come December, I get despondent and bored with my life, usually wondering why I even bother with most of it. I can't ever remember when this stupid phase ends, but until it does I usually just stay in a limbo with whats going on in my life or try to return to old ones.
Like for example, (and I hate that whenever I write it turns into this but what the hell) I know I'm ready to move on from what's happened this first half of the year, but the problem is that kind of takes two, if you will, and its that second part that I'm always so incapable at. A few days ago I had resigned myself to just floating through the next half of the year and just letting that part atrophy; but that is very much not my style. Especially with things like the dateapalooza extravaganza going on....
Right now I am one of the maybe 5 kids in the IB Junior class who aren't at Joel Jolly's standup show. Makes you feel special to know that 'the place to be' is right where you aren't. I need to make friends with more juniors, anyway.
All the speakers in my house are useless. Bose iPod deck, I'll see you when I have $400 to blow on you!
One sec, I'm going to go find another keyboard, this one's k, comma, and period keys don't ever work.
I'm so glad we have a break. I need a break from having to, you know, make human contact. I confuse myself as a pasttime. It's a good thing no one person is clued in to all my swings all the time or else they'd have me committed. Or consider me the least genuine person in existance and decide not to ever take me seriously again. I don't know what does it to me. Why is it that I can be so utterly convinced of something to the point that I'm willing to act on any stupid impulse, and then the next day completely abandon that train of thought/emotion and just move on to the next ridiculousness? How do I even know for myself whats real and whats just my usual brand of overboard dramatics? I should consider a consultant panel. They'll be all business people like, dressing in suits and all with breifcases and blackberries and the like, and when I'm being an idiot they will tell me so. But they have to start every sentence with 'the board advises..." Like, " The board advises you do not declare a smackdown with your ex's current, as it is possible ensuing eye-poking will be frowned upon by the investors (everybody you know)" or even better, "the board advises you do not join freaking WINTER GUARD, as you will look ridiculous in spandex, but not as ridiculous as the somewhat unpleasant girls with whom you will make your association. The investors will abandon ship."
I'm to the state of mind where the idea of vampires (no joke) gave me a serious existential crisis. I was sitting there watching Liz read her cheesy vampire romance novel (at least I'm not to this point) and the last line was 'Life can be a blast, even if you're dead." and I'm sitting there freaking out over what the author considered to be dead, because if he is having such a good time among living things he must be functioning and living in the living world and yeah pretty much i caught myself around there with a WTF ARE YOU DOING moment and returned to my bio lab.
Just another example of my scattered brainededness. Thus with my note to myself a few blogs ago, I really need to get my priorities straight because this is INDEED getting ridiculous.
On another note.....
A G sharp.
A terrible note, don't you think? Whether it is indeed a G sharp or an A flat, it still means its in a key I suck at.
A better note:
E natural.
Harris has yet to post our chairs. I want to be above Ruth. And Leah, I may as well come out and say it.
There is a bulletin board in the hallway at school that has this inequality:
3x>or= -7
I solve it every day.
x>or= -7/3
Emma is going to be in Seattle for 5 days. I think I should've gone with her, then we could look at prospective colleges, twould be awesome. Also, there is a Decemberists show up there this week. I wonder if she'll see it?
Dr. Zhivago sucks monkey face.
1. Guys, you are amazing. Its awesome to know musicians *and actors* will truly go down with their (abnormally beautiful, I may add) ship
2. More and more people are suggesting what I've already been considering. What's the deal?
3. Its okay to quit if you really hate them that much.
4. Thanks for the talk! I miss those.
5. Don't get me wrong, I am beyond happy for you! But that little twinge of possesiveness gets bigger and bigger each day. Sorry bout that.
6. You were totally right today.
7. You get niftier every time I talk to you!
8. Will you go to prom with me?
9. A girl with that many backups is so bound to be the first choice of a big bunch.
10. Why are you being so dumb? Don't you know there isn't anyone on Earth luckier than you right now?
11. Seeing you today basically broke my heart. I've been there and nothing can feel as terrible. I just wish I could offer you my help, whatever I have to give.
12. I really really want to impress you. I just wish I could do it tomorrow.
13. I SO called it, but instead of making me smug it pisses me off that you are so easy to read.
14. You shouldn't trust me so much.
15. You are a stranger. How did this happen? Is it good or bad? If it is good, than the powers of good are assholes.
1. Oh God, are you going to be like Lindsey?
2. You really need to get your priorities straight. This is getting ridiculous.
3. It's really too bad I'm so damn shallow
4. I don't know if I'm going to be able to forgive myself for failing you.
5. She would be amazing for you. You both deserve it.
6. I have never been so hurt by anyone I trusted so much. What exactly made you do it?
7. What you do doesn't really bother me at all - why is that?
8. I really want you to have senior pictures! Like, to a creepy extent.
9. I'm cured, I promise. But I'll still wince when you do that. (That goes for both of you)
10. We are both SOO much better than you! WTF?
11. 57 days and I have to deal with you a lot less.
12. Your planner is ridiculous. (Doesn't really belong in here, but you left it open on the desk)
13. Are you -trying- to terrify me like this? And why the hell are you talking to her?
14. Even if you think you're God, you still have really really pretty eyes..
15. I don't know how you feel about it, but it doesn't seem like it'd be the worst thing. It would sure be appreciated.
So I get home tonight
my cats are gone.
turns out since the landlord was coming over and we arent technically supposed to have cats, my mother's answer to that was to give them away to a barn in Northglenn.
What a caring woman.
Instructions:
Write fifteen statements,
Intended to different people.
Never tell which one is to who.
Things you've always wanted to tell people:
1. You are better than how they make you act.
2. You are going to be an artist and I hope you remember me then.
3. Sometimes I'm afraid you think I'm a child.
4. You aren't balancing yourself at all and that is why you are getting pushed out.
5. You deserve the world, which is why you've had nothing yet.
6. You are one of my best friends and I'm afraid you'll disappear soon. I won't be able to handle that when it has to happen, let alone now.
7. I'm trying, but I'm worried I shouldn't have to be.
8. If you had stayed with us, you wouldn't have lost yourself.
9. You'd be such a great friend if you let yourself be.
10. You aren't overlooked.
11. I wish I had known and been there for you, but I don't know what I would've said.
12. I never expected us to be friends but our friendship is one of the most important and amazing I've ever had.
13. You shouldn't act like you are smarter than us, because you aren't, really.
14. I miss you so much, even though I know I shouldn't as much as I do.
15. I really really want you to like me and I want to be closer.
I don't know why I have to make things so difficult for myself. I'm just tired of having all these things in the future that I just have to accept. Last night as I was kinda falling asleep I had a really realistic dream that it was the last day of school this year that the seniors were going to be at school, and I had to say goodbye to everyone - Ian, Torsten, Lauren, Morgan, Cacia and Sam were walking by my locker to leave the building, and while saying goodbye to them in my dream I started crying so much that I actually woke myself up crying. And when I fell asleep again, the same thing happened, only with -everyone- while I'm playing at their graduation. And I know that I have to actually accept that they are going to move on and that I am not going with them. But that isn't stopping me from being so damn childish. Simply ignoring the fact is the only way I can stop myself from going insane over it, because I sure as hell can't accept it like an adult, or God forbid be excited for them. I am very selfish and I want nothing more than for them to stay with me, because I can't handle losing them.
Even areas in my life that don't have real problems aren't safe from my subconcious. I'll invent problems, pretend old ones are still current (which is the worse of the two) in any area where I'm actually happy. Happy? Simple? Those most certainly aren't allowed for Kaylas...
Ugh. more later maybe.
that switching the check box in your myspace profile from 'single' to 'in a relationship' can be a momentous occasion...
I couldn't be crazy enough to miss it.
Except for the post-its.
Most commonly heard phrases at Target:
We need all closing team members to recieving for tonight's huddle............Our safety topic for tonight is Don't disembowel yourself with the shiny box-cutter.........LOD?--Go for LOD--What's your location?--Back of G13--Can I go on break?.............(in an annoying sing song from the elec. department)-"Nothings gonna change the shape of things!!", "Cinderelley Cinderelley -Coming soon to DVD-" "Karmakarmakarmakarmakarma chameeeeleooonn"...............We need those zones completed by 9:30..................Inventory is September 9th, complete zoooones............. _______, (what ever department I'm in) you have 4326 full carts of abandons...............Pulls for H+b, sporting goods, grocery................Make sure to get those Target red card out, we're only at 98.999% for this year.................LOD Sean, how are sales today?..................CAN I HELP YOU FIND SOMETHING???????
Like I said, couldn't be crazy enough to miss it.
So I have a total of 5 hours and 45 minutes left to work at the fine establishment. This makes me happy. But this feeling of 'they can't fire me because I've already quit' has led to events that also make me quite amused. For example:I was left alone guarding the electronics boat for a half hour, and I was also left with a sticky note pad and a black magic marker.ooooh.So I commenced to label 21 items in the boat, including:
-the cash register (Money!)
-the floor
-the fancy electronic map thing (fancy!)
-the scanner gun (zap!)
-the phone-
the phone charger (this feeds the phone!)
-the electric outlet (this feeds everything else!)
-a receipt with my friend chris' name on it (This is chris' name!)
-the credit card reader (this is where fake money goes!)
-the schedule (schedule!)
-a floaty dandelion thing which i taped to the desk so it wouldn't escape
-the printer
-the reciept printer (proof they bought stuff!)
-the memory cards
-the batteries
-the calculator
-the box of bags (bags live here!)
-a sticky note (yes, i labeled a sticky note with a sticky note)
-the alarm disarm (this makes very loud beeps go away! good to know!)
- An arrow pointing to the toys section (this is where kayla is supposed to work!)
Yeah, I was amused. But Jacob was quite lame and took them all down after he resumed his post. But I believe they still all reside in the drawer, so they may go back out in my last hour....
So Saturday night, I fell asleep on the couch watching SNL with my sister. I kept vaguely hearing that my cats were yowling (sounding like some human with a stuffy nose is going 'YAAAAOOO') knocking things over like cereal boxes and what sounded like heavy metal things, but as much as this signifyed bad news, I was much to sleepy to care. I finally sat bolt upright when I heard them screech and hiss, a VERY unpleasant sound and yelled CAAATS!!! which also woke up Amanda. She looked over the edge of the couch to the terrible sight of THIS INTRUDER:
VIOLATING my poor kitty! So my sister yells, at 3:43 in the morning, "THERE IS A CAT WHO IS NOT OUR CAT IN OUR HOUSE VIOLATING A CAT WHO IS OUR CAT IN OUR HOUSE."
I run to my mom's room and repeat the same, and we both run out in time to see the fiend run out the back door, which he had OPENED. No joke, I closed the door myself before going to bed, and he runs out a 7 inch gap. He wouldn't leave, either! He just layed there on the porch waiting for us to go away so he could break in again and probably violate poor Paris as well.
Jerk.
So, I'll probably have about 6 or 7 kittens to give away this winter, if anyone is looking...
In this tiny, tiny picture, you will see the MOST AWESOME MOMENT EVER. In the larger, you will see 4 reflected. Oh man, you've gotta love the Fillmore. I have yet to be disappointed on an autograph quest at this venue. So for all of mis amigas who seem oh so skeptical that we shall succeed... you are quite silly! The concert itself was -quite- amazing, although due to my lack of sleep / fluids i was a spot ill. They made it SO worth it though. For all of you who, like me, skipped Transatlanticism (the song) halfway through because it is quite long, you must see it live. It makes so much sense live. So beautiful. Not to mention, all of the guys in Death Cab are every bit as nice as I had hoped. Brandon Urie, lead of Panic! at the Disco, was way rockstar and kinda like 'yes, i am fantastic, smolder in the presence of my beauty.' (which i really had no objection to, as the beauty to be smoldering in was quite plentiful.) But not Death Cab at all. Chris Walla was the nicest person ever to be in the position to sign autographs. I told him I loved his producing work with The Decemberists (quite true) and he goes 'yeah, I love working with them. I actually got the Master for the new album yesterday, It's really amazing, I'm excited.' oh em gee a lot. Oh, and Ben Gibbard totally got flustered by emma and i's beauty. Don't believe me? hehe... well, when he was signing I said 'I'm kayla,' and he replies 'hi ben I'm kayla,' to which i said 'what a coincidence, me too,' and then he corrected but HA! lol, good times. Good times that were only a few hours after... :
HARRY AND THE POTTERS!!!! lol, they were SOOOO hilarious. The opening band, Draco and the Malfoys, equally if not moreso hilarious, and it seems they may actually know how to play. I highly regret not buying the 'this guitar is a horcrux' tshirt, and even moreso the 'harry and the potters fight evil... and toothdecay' printed toothbrushes. But they shall be ordered, oh yes they shall. I want to wrap this up but just know:
ALL SHOWS = AMAZING.
I can't believe it's over.
The last two weeks went by without me even taking the time to notice that the days were actually passing.
Getting home, everything seems to be in the exact state I left it in, at home it feels like I never left at all. A perfect way to describe it would be to say it feels like the last two weeks at LEP were part of an alternate reality, one so much better than the one in which I sleep until noon, check myspace, and go days and days at a time without being around anyone. The LEP universe is perfect. I want that one to continue. In that one, the days are long, we waste very little time sleeping. Or relaxing in any way, it would seem. Every moment, you are surrounded by two dozen people who surpass the term 'friend.' They are all the loves of your life, and the joy in seeing them reappear every time you open your eyes from blinking is what makes LEP the best place in my life. We talked about the gifts we would give if we could give everyone one thing, and Travis said he would make it so everyone always felt the love they do at LEP. I think it was Jay who said he wanted everyone to lose their shells, inhibitions, to gain that level of trust and enlightenment you experience every moment there. I want to be able to give true appreciations to anyone, that is to thank them sincerely for something they did that touched you or helped you become the best version of yourself without that person feeling awkward at all. I want to be able to do the hot seat with my friends, a game in which one person sits in the middle of a circle of 6 or so, and has to be absolutely silent while the others compliment you and sing your praises for 3 straight minutes. If someone were to start Jill's activity, where two lines of people line up facing eachother with their arms out and someone runs and dives into the line to be caught and passed down, could you trust everyone you know in real life to catch you?
To always be with the people you love, to never have the opportunity to be lonely, to be loved and acknowledged every minute of every day, that is the gift LEP gives you.
If only it could be real for more than one twenty-sixth of the year.
