Talking is sometimes a good thing. Really.

So I've had THE very MOST bizarre, eventful, and confrontational night in just about ever.
I seriously thought things would never actually come around for me to face head on, let alone in the very very fast way they did.
But it really really ended up being for the better.
Although I am still quite concerned how things will end up on one side, knowing that two of the three are resting peacefully for the first time is really quite lovely. How did I ever know that a good way to put your problems behind you is to ACTUALLY ADDRESS THEM? I lose there, but at least you, my friend, did the addressing for me. And now that they're actually addressed, those problems really don't seem so problematic anymore.
Thank you loads again, even though I said it a million times already!
And I'm off to crash. I don't often stay up until 4am... unless there are special circumstances. Which, eh, I can confidently say tonight counts as one of those.

So, As Far As The Last Six Months Go...

I give up.
I'm officially done.
He won't talk to me, won't answer my messages, god forbid ever even acknowledge my freaking presence when I actually CAN get his attention.
The last time I saw him it felt like he was trying to get away as fast as possible. Ironically enough, if it weren't for her he probably wouldn't have even turned around when I wanted to say goodbye to him.
Hell yeah, I miss him. But its starting to be hard to remember why.
I don't know... maybe he's always been like this and I didn't want to see it. I always blamed it on her, but if it WASNT for her, he would've taken off without so much as a 'see ya next fall' after graduation. I have already totally accepted there's nothing i could ever do about her. I even started liking her again. After all, I liked her an awful lot before all of this, and I shouldn't hold it against her that she went after what she wanted and got it. I had my shot.
So I'm cool with the fact that I'm not ever going to be with him. But then if we're friends, you still don't ignore friends' messages and calls and tell them you probably won't see them all summer and you DEFINETLY don't FORGET THEM AT SCHOOL WHEN YOU HAVE INVITED THEM SOMEWHERE!!!!
I wish I could outright ask him if he's been intentionally ignoring me and trying to stay away from me. I mean, we used to talk almost every night. I would like to know if I'm right about this. But what if I'm really wrong, and then he thinks that I feel like that. Or if I'm right. That's almost worse to know for sure. What if he says, "yeah, I've actually been meaning to tell you to back the hell off and stop irritating me." Talk about major devestation.
Why does this all have to be so damn complicated?
No clue.
So basically, for my efforts of the last six months, everything I've gone through over all of it.......
I quit.
Here's my notice.
I'm so done.

Summer, as Haley says, has a way of messing things up. It can make your brain turn off, leave you to your instincts... Summer knows a brain is the best way to confuse your heart. Under the stars with him, I rushed back to the way things were when they first began. That first connection was gone as quickly as it came, only to resurface at the unlikeliest of times. Everything I felt at first I felt now. The desire to be close to him was quelled by the fear that nothing would make sense after the stars were gone. So instead I decided to be a ghost in the moment instead of living in it. It was a photo album that I was already reminiscing over. The Past in the Present. I watched him in his reflection in the dark glass knowing I would remember that same reflection a hundred times more. I listened to his voice, knowing the words and stories that it formed would be the first thing to fade. Anything tangible would. But the voice, the reflection, the stars, the wind, my simultaneous love and disappointment will stay as that night.

In Honor of My 50th post......

Beautiful New Layout, and much better title, I think.

LIFE IS SHATTERED

Dani California Chords by Red Hot Chili Peppers,
www.Ultimate-Guitar.Com
Am G
Getting born in the state of Mississippi,
Dm Am
Her Poppa was a copper and her Momma was a hippy,

MARY JANE'S LAST DANCE (INDIANA GIRL)
Tom Petty
Am G
She grew up in an Indiana town
D Am
Had a good lookin' Mama who was never around

THE CHORDS ARE THE SAME even the lyrics are similar!!!AAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!
My life is shattered.
But look, Tom Petty uses a stupid D major chord, Chili Peppers use D minor... there's still hope.

Go here and frolic

Frolic amongst the likes of

Travis!
Nathan!
Lisa!
Jenny!
Nicole!
Scott!

All at Sub-Par productions!
http://subpar.atspace.com

I don't lose!

As was mentioned about a month or so ago, I auditioned for the Colorado Youth Symphony Orchestra. Twas v v hard and I pretty much thought I was just auditioning for the heck of it.

But lo, a letter cometh today...

I MADE THE TOP GROUP!!!

SOO excited. This group plays concerts with the CSO, travels (last year it was China!) and gives you a 1/2 off scholarship to DU.

BEST THING TO HAPPEN EVER?

quite possibly.

You are now in the company of...

The next very proud employee of your friendly neighborhood Target store!

hehe...

I rule.

Why I Love IB Kids

In history we have these blog things we have to answer, like FRQ questions that you give the introductory paragraph to. So the last one this year was compare the French and American Revoultions' similarities and differences. Here were some awesome replies.

DiDi:
The French revolutionaries made beef with Jesus and completely overhauled the calendar in an attempt to get rid of anything Church-related. American colonists decided to keep God on their side.

The French women stormed Versailles and killed two guards in order to demand justice from their king. American women stopped buying foreign hats for a while.

Birney:
1. There were no airplanes in either war
2. People died in both wars
3. Gorillas did not fight in either war
4. However, there was guerilla warfare in both wars
5. Both French and American people are able to bleed and both have weaknesses to bullets
6. Neither were tricked by the trojan horse
7. Both wars were fought on Earth
8. Zimbabwe did not contribute soldiers or supplies in either war

Ian Lausa:
3. the french bled french blood while they snacked merrily on french bagguettes. us americans...didn't.
2. both revolutions consisted of people who were all:
"lets get some freedoms up in this place."
"yeah!"
"and while we're at it, lets get some representation!"
"yeah!"
1. The king of France died when he lost.

Jacob:
the King himself got his royal head brutally chopped off. Ouch!

Kelsey Boyd:
5. The French Flag is red, white, and blue...funny story, SO IS THE AMERICAN ONE!!

There might be somebody new,

so make way for the next Scarlett O Hara.

As the Wise Red Hot Chili Peppers Say

The More I See, The Less I Know,
The More I've Got To Let It Go

i was so jealous of her...
is the only way for this to stop hurting really to stop caring?

Does he notice?

Or am I just kidding myself?

Whenever I stress out about whatever, when I have 3384732 different things giving me anxiety attacks, I find the best way to deal is to not think about any of it. I'm serious, ignoring yourself is a totally viable solution to plagues of the mind. Next time your head is filled with anxious thoughts, simply take note of it, thank your mind for trying to ensure your survival, and then act as if you just got a stock tip from a homeless person. Of course, ignoring fear messages no longer applies when you're in line at the post office and the guy behind you is hiding something beneath a large overcoat and audibly talking to God.

I haven't written a blog in a really long time, figured I may as well.

So we've hit that time of the year, where you can't absorb much more, whether it be school or social or whatever. Its the smile-and-nod time, just float through this one more day until you are that much closer to starting over.

This week, I have a high-stakes cello audition, find out the results of two very prominent finals, take the AP history test, and as if I didn't have enough to stress about I have an ultrasound test on thursday to see if this bump on my chest wants to kill me or not. And I can't draw conor oberst for the LIFE of me.

If I think about anything too hard I'm just going to get overwhelmed.

My sister is scrambling trying to write her speech to try to become the captain of her cheerleading squad. She got put on JV for the 2nd year in a row, and she's really disappointed about it. I'm not used to her not getting her way and it kinda pisses me off because i think SOMEONE in our family may as well, and if its not going to be the cheerleading beauty its not going to be anyone.

Her little friend I despise called her yesterday in complete hysterics because this boy she likes wouldn't talk to her on the phone because he was still sleeping from prom the night before. This girl was WAILING, whatever she said to my sister was totally undescernable. I couldn't stand it, but then I started to wonder if I'm not just like that. Here I was, thinking "How stupid of this girl to flip out so much over some guy - one that doesn't even like her." and I kinda realized, isn't that what I've been doing for the last three months? short of bawling on the phone to my best friend, I've still been pining away for basically the same thing as the crazed cheerleader. And though she may be more vocal about it, we are both equally pathetic.

That audition is totally plaguing me (sorry for the gear shift there.) Beginning this August, I will have been playing the cello for no less than a decade. And what do I have to show for it? Two thirds of my life I've spent with the potential to develop something that could carry me at least through college, and I only start caring about it in the eighth grade. I saw Rainer perform at the Solo and Ensemble competition, and i felt like crying. I'm guessing I just don't get that reaction when Alex and Jane play because they are fantastic people I love and Rainer is a bastard most of the time, but I can't think of any good excuse of why i shouldn't be that good after ten years. If I were to make this audition, I would get 1/2 tuition at DU. Thats saving me about $80000 dollars. If I could do it. I really can't. I'm just not good enough. I spent seven years being lazy and I'm paying for it now.

This ranks pretty high on my angsty ranty blogs. But if you read this (if anyone ever does,) it means you have already signed up for the 'friend' position in my life and its your job to pretend to care. So there. No more complaints out of you, mister.

Have you ever watched Supernanny? Its sad, Americans aren't even smart enough to raise their own children, we need the British to come and rescue us from the heathens.

I wrote a Grapes of Wrath essay about how children cause all the problems in the novel. My mom read it, and got mad at me because she thought I was a bad person and kid-hater. I don't hate kids, in fact I'm one of my only friends that actually plans on having any. My mom should learn there are OTHER factors that make me a bad person.

Saturday I went out to the Promenade with my sister, Lauren and Amanda's new boyfriend. I thought I had better scope him out to see if I approved. Turns out I don't have huge standards for her beaus. I asked him what music he listened to and approved when he had a conversation with one of the bronze yodeling horses they have at the promenade. Most of her boyfriends don't speak when I'm around, and this one handled that aspect fine. BUT a warning for those of you with siblings - do NOT see a movie with your sister and her boyfriend. Think about what all girls do with their boyfriends in dark theaters. Don't make the mistake and think they may realize the potential severe awkwardness. Honestly, when you are subjected to seeing the little girl you played Barbies with for seven years snogging for thirty-five minutes straight, it changes you.

My ranting has surely become tiresome to you all, and I think for mercy's sake I may now bid you all a fond adieu.

-*_*

Even though it seemed bad...

It always gets better.

I'm better now.

Never want anything you have to wait for. Never want anything that isn't one-hundred percent in your own control. Never want anything you have to depend on someone else for.

That's about it.

Plagarism is the Sincerest Form of Flattery

heychris is amazing.

here is heychris' amazing poem from his amazing website of amazingness.

"just this once, be my savior."
you are not good enough.
yes you.
somewhere along the line you were taught lazy.
and god doesnt like lazy.
lazy is making the "scene".
lazy is easy and smooth.
lazy is fitting the pose.
lazy is staying docile.
lazy is mininum effort.
lazy is coloring inside the lines.
lazy is not picking up the torch.
lazy is loveless relationships.
lazy is being a coward.
lazy is fat.uneducated.
selfish.
despondent.
lazy is the inability to express love.
lazy is blaming everyone and taking none of the accountability.
it is irresponsible.
unchallenged.
unmotivated and afraid.
lazy is unworthy.
and you.
me.
in all of our self-important grandstanding are looking for nothing more than attention grabbing validation.
if i tell you you're amazing, if i tell you you're inspirational, will you take it to heart?
will you buy into my insignificant words?
and will you let them encircle your eyes with the cloud of bullshit approval.
none of us need approval.
not me.
not you.
fuck if it doesnt feel good, but fuck if you cant do better.
and i know this.
and god knows this.
and we see you.
and somewhere further down the line our parents told us we were good enough.
to take pride in ourselves.
that we only needed to be us.
thats it.
and that would be good enough.
bullshit.
thats not good enough.
just being yourself isnt good enough.
because you and i werent born good enough.
its not good enough to simply have strength of character.
its our responsibility to show others how.
if we arent consciously making a difference then you, my friends are a waste of potential.
and god hates wasted potential.
disagree.
dont hear.
listen.
know your opposition.
make an attempt to understand.
take a stand.
use your fucking voice.
raise your fucking hand.
but do something goddammit.
because you are NOT unique and wonderful snowflakes.
unless you want to believe there are six billion unique and wonderful individuals on this planet...
you. are. living. a. lie.
as i am.
but everyday i make a promise to myself to be a little less shitty than the day before.
i know my role and i wont lie to myself anymore.
i am evil, rotten, dirty, disposable, forgettable and guilty.
just.
like.
you.
but ill be damned if i let that stop me.
i will not use that as an excuse and i will take responsibility for each and every move i make.
because as long as i have a voice, a will and a heart, i will try.
despite your words of praise or criticism...
i know im capable of much more.
and i owe you better.
and today, tomorrow and for the rest of my life i will be a walking apology to you, my friends, my mom and the rest of this world.
because god hates wasted potential.
and i am not good enough.
but im trying.
goddammit im trying.

----------

myspace...

stupid myspace.
no one ever looks at this blog anymore...
everyone looks at my stupid myspace.
if my stupid blog were on my stupid myspace, people would look at it.
Maybe i should move it.
i think i'll send out a bulletin on stupid myspace about this stupid blog.

haha i did. that is why you are reading this. case and point.

WORDS I KNOW MUST PHASE OUT OF MY VOCABULARY ENTIRELY

So from Morgan's blog I got to this site called Urban Dictionary. It pretty much just gives dictionary definitions for slang words. I decided to look up a few slang words very common in my (FORMER) everyday vocabulary. Noob and Woot have become very common, so I searched those.

With Dire Consequences.

What I have learned, is these two words spawn their origins in a place so dark, so.... unspeakable... That it can only be refered to as World of Warcraft. That's right, the online computer game that Torsten and Marc are so embarassingly fond of. And what did I expect? I picked up BOTH of these words from those two. I now cringe at the thought of how many times I have used these, how many times!
Just look at the post above this.

Included here are the definitions of the offending combinations of syllables, never to be uttered by this soul again.


Noob
1. noob (n)
Shortened form of "newbie," the most hilarious insult ever invented, in which a person who uses a computer game too much is ridiculing one who does not, for being "new" at the game, which of course they once were. Generally speaking, the speaker of this "insult" is one who should be on the receiving end of most insults. Commonly found in allegiance with "1337$1'331<," or "leetspeak," the accepted language of computer gaming geeks which takes a ludicrous amount of time to type.(A good deal of this definition is opinionated, given. But the definition still resides within.)
"MY ARE 1337 CRO-MAGNON H4XX0R!!! MY ARE PWN J00!!! n00b!!!"


Woot
1.Woot (int)
Originated as a hacker term for root (or administrative) access to a computer. However, with the term as coincides with the gamer term, "w00t"."w00t" was originally an trunicated expression common among players of Dungeons and Dragons tabletop role-playing game for "Wow, loot!" Thus the term passed into the net-culture where it thrived in video game communities and lost its original meaning and is used simply as a term of excitement.
"I defeated the dark sorcerer! Woot!""woot! i r teh flagmastar!" (Think Tribes)"Woot, I pwnzed this dude's boxen!'


*Please keep my recovery and rehabilitation in your thoughts and prayers.