I'm a COPYCAT, big and shameless (see miss emma's page)

1. That we don't even care as restless as we are, we feel the pull in the land of a thousand guilts and poured cement.
2. See, sometimes when you get that taste of wanting things, You only want for yourself. If you ask me, that's where it gets dangerous.
3. And all you see is where else you could be when you’re at home.
4. Aint it just like the night to play tricks when you’re trying to be so quiet?
5. 'Cause what is simple in the moonlight, By the morning never is.
6. The fragile keep secrets gathered in pockets. And they will sell them for nothing - a cheap watch or locket - that kind of gold washes off
7. This house, it holds nothing but the memories.
8. is this real, or is it just the way we communicate?
9. Go ahead as you waste your days with thinking
10. Well I’m not a child. No I am much younger than that
11. And now, I'm confused. Is this death really you?
12. I’m nothing without their love.

I love IM

Zimgirl16 [10:44 P.M.]: half of me was hoping you'd be like, 'oh yeah, just start taking a couple ginsing supplements a day, that gets rid of all unwanted romantic feelings in a week flat'

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SedatedTimeBomb [11:10 P.M.]: Well, think about it! You sit around waiting for the call, and next thing you know, you're 30 working a dead end job with nothing but contempt for life. And then there's the ginsing. Without that, you'd be... un ginsinged.
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AMS booboo [10:25 P.M.]: i think it has snowed enough...Zimgirl16 [10:25 P.M.]: ha, totally Zimgirl16 [10:27 P.M.]: ill go outside and go, 'alright, thank you, snow, youve been great, but we're going a different direction that doesnt involve staring at your white ass for the next week, so, someone will be with you shortly to collect your nametag. (it says big huge jerk on it, btw)
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I Only Put This Here Because It Makes a REALLY Cool Playlist

IF YOUR LIFE WAS A MOVIE, WHAT WOULD THE SOUNDTRACK BE?
-Open iTunes-Shuffle-Play-For every question, type the song that's playing-When you go to a new question, press the next button

Opening Credits: Old Flame - Arcade Fire

Waking Up: Season - The Academy Is..... (funny, the first words are 'wake up think fast')

First Day At School: I'm not okay - My Chemical Romance

Making Your New Best Friend: Dammit - Blink 182

Falling In Love: Sleeping In - The Postal Service

Breaking Up: Ionizes and Atomizes - Modest Mouse

Prom: Absolutely Sweet Marie - Bob Dylan

Graduation: Feeling This - Blink 182

Life's Okay: July, July! - The Decemberists

Death of a Close Friend: Lost and Found - Senses Fail

Driving: Spitting Games - Snow Patrol

Flashback: Ocean Avenue - Yellowcard

Getting Back Together: Lover's Spit - Broken Social Scene

Birth of Child: Baby Body - Youth Group (ha, how funny)

Wedding Scene: Here in Your Arms - Hellogoodbye

Car Accident: Crazy Mary - Pearl Jam

Final Battle: Take Back - Green Day

Death Scene: Recording a Tunnel (The Horns Play Underneath the Canal) - Bell Orchestre

Funeral Song: Candlelight - Imogen Heap

End Credits: Smile Like You Mean It - The Killers

Pachelbel Rant

This is the plight of EVERY CELLIST!

Letters From LEP - 4 months later

This is the letter I wrote to myself four months ago while having the time of my life at LEP, which was delivered to me today. I really, really needed it. I like remembering that at one point, I had confidence and felt worth it.

Hey Stranger,
Four months ago, you were having a great time. You may now be reaching the winter doldrums, but I hope this letter cheers you up if that's the case. I usually tell you about me, but it is so intruiguing that I know nothing about you. How is IB? The orchestra? Did Beauty and the Beast go beautifully? Do you have a boyfriend? Is he someone I know? What about for the rest of school?
Have you called everyone from LEP? Okay, if you haven't, drop this letter right now, this instant. Call Corynn and go to a concert. Go climb something with Maddy and Paul. For God's sake, have a sleepover!
Are the movies done? Does everyone have one?
What are you listening to? Right now its Fall Out Boy. Yesterday, all Death Cab.
At LEP you are open. You communicate. You are funny. You like Amanda( does she have braces? I hope not.....)
You fling sticky frisbees at the ceiling for hours.
You paint your nails every four days and dress quite excellently.
You are confident.
Are you?
You are your own limitation, you know.
Trust people. No matter where your friends are in the circle, someone will always be there to catch you.
You've eaten Rocky Mountain Oysters.
Don't fret. You're a pretty cool kid, no matter how your current situation may be making you feel. I hope you believe in me as much as I believe in you.

<3
Kayla

I know, I know, sue me why don't you.

1. I am so beyond happy for you, and I am SO beating up anyone that says otherwise! (NOT ALLOWED)
2. Our conclusions suck.
3. Damn you, finals. (not belonging here but still)
4. You seem to be way more like me than i thought previously. Neat! It makes you much more accessible.
5. You had better do things right this time. You're doing really well to start, keep up the good work.
6. Why won't you ever come with us?
7. $30 is a stupid price, stupid.
8. Why did you do that? I know why. And I wasn't lying at all last night. I wish things were different. I would change it if i could go back.
9. Don't show seniors such sad movies! You broke them all.
10. You two crack me up. Why all the defensive? I think you got a wrong memo that said I was a bit cooler (and more vulnerable) than you think, though.
11. To one of you two - I see where you got the idea, but I don't know what makes it so you think i need a talking to.
12. Why would anyone ever be mad at you?
13. YOURE WEARING A CAPE!!!!! A CAPE!!!!! there, i said it.
14. Don't get blown up.
15. You'll get there. But i think i know when and you won't like it.

I am so cool. I get a cookie.

<3!

Let's see that poker face, now.

When I say these things, I need to be less thinly-veiled. On both fronts, I just need to accept them. I wonder if it they have something in common. Maybe I'm just jealous of anyone/everyone. I don't really believe that. But then again, I don't really believe what he wrote, and I don't believe anything about the other one either, so maybe I'm just even more near-sighted than I thought. (Or i should say far sighted, but in the wrong direction.)

#80

So maybe missing Dateapalooza Extravaganza was a stroke of luck....
And Ian is so totally a liarface.
So is Emma/Alexia.

Atrophy is for quitters

At home all night this fine, chilly Saturday evening.
I would've made it to the master class, I swear! If only it were in 20 days from now - Liberation.
I wonder how Dateapalooza Extravaganza went.....
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Funny how things cycle, always on the same rhythm with me... Come December, I get despondent and bored with my life, usually wondering why I even bother with most of it. I can't ever remember when this stupid phase ends, but until it does I usually just stay in a limbo with whats going on in my life or try to return to old ones.

Like for example, (and I hate that whenever I write it turns into this but what the hell) I know I'm ready to move on from what's happened this first half of the year, but the problem is that kind of takes two, if you will, and its that second part that I'm always so incapable at. A few days ago I had resigned myself to just floating through the next half of the year and just letting that part atrophy; but that is very much not my style. Especially with things like the dateapalooza extravaganza going on....

So there IS hope....

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/15952309/page/1

Ramblings of a Tuesday Evening

Right now I am one of the maybe 5 kids in the IB Junior class who aren't at Joel Jolly's standup show. Makes you feel special to know that 'the place to be' is right where you aren't. I need to make friends with more juniors, anyway.

All the speakers in my house are useless. Bose iPod deck, I'll see you when I have $400 to blow on you!

One sec, I'm going to go find another keyboard, this one's k, comma, and period keys don't ever work.

I'm so glad we have a break. I need a break from having to, you know, make human contact. I confuse myself as a pasttime. It's a good thing no one person is clued in to all my swings all the time or else they'd have me committed. Or consider me the least genuine person in existance and decide not to ever take me seriously again. I don't know what does it to me. Why is it that I can be so utterly convinced of something to the point that I'm willing to act on any stupid impulse, and then the next day completely abandon that train of thought/emotion and just move on to the next ridiculousness? How do I even know for myself whats real and whats just my usual brand of overboard dramatics? I should consider a consultant panel. They'll be all business people like, dressing in suits and all with breifcases and blackberries and the like, and when I'm being an idiot they will tell me so. But they have to start every sentence with 'the board advises..." Like, " The board advises you do not declare a smackdown with your ex's current, as it is possible ensuing eye-poking will be frowned upon by the investors (everybody you know)" or even better, "the board advises you do not join freaking WINTER GUARD, as you will look ridiculous in spandex, but not as ridiculous as the somewhat unpleasant girls with whom you will make your association. The investors will abandon ship."

I'm to the state of mind where the idea of vampires (no joke) gave me a serious existential crisis. I was sitting there watching Liz read her cheesy vampire romance novel (at least I'm not to this point) and the last line was 'Life can be a blast, even if you're dead." and I'm sitting there freaking out over what the author considered to be dead, because if he is having such a good time among living things he must be functioning and living in the living world and yeah pretty much i caught myself around there with a WTF ARE YOU DOING moment and returned to my bio lab.

Just another example of my scattered brainededness. Thus with my note to myself a few blogs ago, I really need to get my priorities straight because this is INDEED getting ridiculous.

On another note.....

A G sharp.

A terrible note, don't you think? Whether it is indeed a G sharp or an A flat, it still means its in a key I suck at.

A better note:

E natural.

Harris has yet to post our chairs. I want to be above Ruth. And Leah, I may as well come out and say it.

There is a bulletin board in the hallway at school that has this inequality:
3x>or= -7
I solve it every day.
x>or= -7/3

Emma is going to be in Seattle for 5 days. I think I should've gone with her, then we could look at prospective colleges, twould be awesome. Also, there is a Decemberists show up there this week. I wonder if she'll see it?

Dr. Zhivago sucks monkey face.

These are like the only kind i do now.

1. Guys, you are amazing. Its awesome to know musicians *and actors* will truly go down with their (abnormally beautiful, I may add) ship
2. More and more people are suggesting what I've already been considering. What's the deal?
3. Its okay to quit if you really hate them that much.
4. Thanks for the talk! I miss those.
5. Don't get me wrong, I am beyond happy for you! But that little twinge of possesiveness gets bigger and bigger each day. Sorry bout that.
6. You were totally right today.
7. You get niftier every time I talk to you!
8. Will you go to prom with me?
9. A girl with that many backups is so bound to be the first choice of a big bunch.
10. Why are you being so dumb? Don't you know there isn't anyone on Earth luckier than you right now?
11. Seeing you today basically broke my heart. I've been there and nothing can feel as terrible. I just wish I could offer you my help, whatever I have to give.
12. I really really want to impress you. I just wish I could do it tomorrow.
13. I SO called it, but instead of making me smug it pisses me off that you are so easy to read.
14. You shouldn't trust me so much.
15. You are a stranger. How did this happen? Is it good or bad? If it is good, than the powers of good are assholes.

Do-over!

1. Oh God, are you going to be like Lindsey?
2. You really need to get your priorities straight. This is getting ridiculous.
3. It's really too bad I'm so damn shallow
4. I don't know if I'm going to be able to forgive myself for failing you.
5. She would be amazing for you. You both deserve it.
6. I have never been so hurt by anyone I trusted so much. What exactly made you do it?
7. What you do doesn't really bother me at all - why is that?
8. I really want you to have senior pictures! Like, to a creepy extent.
9. I'm cured, I promise. But I'll still wince when you do that. (That goes for both of you)
10. We are both SOO much better than you! WTF?
11. 57 days and I have to deal with you a lot less.
12. Your planner is ridiculous. (Doesn't really belong in here, but you left it open on the desk)
13. Are you -trying- to terrify me like this? And why the hell are you talking to her?
14. Even if you think you're God, you still have really really pretty eyes..
15. I don't know how you feel about it, but it doesn't seem like it'd be the worst thing. It would sure be appreciated.

So I get home tonight

my cats are gone.

turns out since the landlord was coming over and we arent technically supposed to have cats, my mother's answer to that was to give them away to a barn in Northglenn.

What a caring woman.

Are you serious? That can't be right at all.

Aaaaaah..........

I think I missed 'The Office' a liiiiiitle -too- much.

Once in a While, Bulletins Aren't a Complete Waste of Time

Instructions:
Write fifteen statements,
Intended to different people.
Never tell which one is to who.
Things you've always wanted to tell people:

1. You are better than how they make you act.
2. You are going to be an artist and I hope you remember me then.
3. Sometimes I'm afraid you think I'm a child.
4. You aren't balancing yourself at all and that is why you are getting pushed out.
5. You deserve the world, which is why you've had nothing yet.
6. You are one of my best friends and I'm afraid you'll disappear soon. I won't be able to handle that when it has to happen, let alone now.
7. I'm trying, but I'm worried I shouldn't have to be.
8. If you had stayed with us, you wouldn't have lost yourself.
9. You'd be such a great friend if you let yourself be.
10. You aren't overlooked.
11. I wish I had known and been there for you, but I don't know what I would've said.
12. I never expected us to be friends but our friendship is one of the most important and amazing I've ever had.
13. You shouldn't act like you are smarter than us, because you aren't, really.
14. I miss you so much, even though I know I shouldn't as much as I do.
15. I really really want you to like me and I want to be closer.

My subconscious is a bitch.

I don't know why I have to make things so difficult for myself. I'm just tired of having all these things in the future that I just have to accept. Last night as I was kinda falling asleep I had a really realistic dream that it was the last day of school this year that the seniors were going to be at school, and I had to say goodbye to everyone - Ian, Torsten, Lauren, Morgan, Cacia and Sam were walking by my locker to leave the building, and while saying goodbye to them in my dream I started crying so much that I actually woke myself up crying. And when I fell asleep again, the same thing happened, only with -everyone- while I'm playing at their graduation. And I know that I have to actually accept that they are going to move on and that I am not going with them. But that isn't stopping me from being so damn childish. Simply ignoring the fact is the only way I can stop myself from going insane over it, because I sure as hell can't accept it like an adult, or God forbid be excited for them. I am very selfish and I want nothing more than for them to stay with me, because I can't handle losing them.

Even areas in my life that don't have real problems aren't safe from my subconcious. I'll invent problems, pretend old ones are still current (which is the worse of the two) in any area where I'm actually happy. Happy? Simple? Those most certainly aren't allowed for Kaylas...

Ugh. more later maybe.

So I'm basically in love