My subconscious is a bitch.

I don't know why I have to make things so difficult for myself. I'm just tired of having all these things in the future that I just have to accept. Last night as I was kinda falling asleep I had a really realistic dream that it was the last day of school this year that the seniors were going to be at school, and I had to say goodbye to everyone - Ian, Torsten, Lauren, Morgan, Cacia and Sam were walking by my locker to leave the building, and while saying goodbye to them in my dream I started crying so much that I actually woke myself up crying. And when I fell asleep again, the same thing happened, only with -everyone- while I'm playing at their graduation. And I know that I have to actually accept that they are going to move on and that I am not going with them. But that isn't stopping me from being so damn childish. Simply ignoring the fact is the only way I can stop myself from going insane over it, because I sure as hell can't accept it like an adult, or God forbid be excited for them. I am very selfish and I want nothing more than for them to stay with me, because I can't handle losing them.

Even areas in my life that don't have real problems aren't safe from my subconcious. I'll invent problems, pretend old ones are still current (which is the worse of the two) in any area where I'm actually happy. Happy? Simple? Those most certainly aren't allowed for Kaylas...

Ugh. more later maybe.