Old Habits Die Hard...

1. It's not an ideal situation, but I'm really excited for where it'll end up. You're going to be really happy. You deserve it.
2. The only place worse than where you used to be is where you are now. And I can't think of anyone who deserves it less.
3. I used to want to be you. Now I can't sleep because I am.
4. You aren't going to notice (I wouldn't either, it's not something you think about then) so she's going to have to tell you. Take her seriously, and try to understand. You will, I'm not worried.
5. I'm scared, but you're worth it.
6. You haven't done anything wrong. / I know you too well to mistake caution for animosity.
7. Are you okay? I actually do care, even if that seems weird.
8. I know you wanted it too, even though it was just a little. I can read you like Hooked on Phonics.
9. Why didn't you practice more? That was kind of embarrassing.
10. If it's any consolation (and I know it's not) I kind of hate myself for it, and I feel almost as guilty as I do happy.
11. In some ways, I trust you more than anyone.
12. I disappoint you. I didn't used to. I even disappoint myself now.
13. I'm not cut out for this.
14. It's time. You don't need it anymore. But I understand that for a long time you did.
15. How dare you. Seriously.

the other night...

okay so i realize the four of you who read this have pretty much all heard me beat this subject like the dead horse it is, but i really don't think my blog can go entirely without mention of the events of thursday night.
clearly, we didn't do anything wrong. but what i don't like is how disappointed i was that we couldn't, or that it wouldve been wrong in the first place. it just means i am not over this like i thought i was, and that he isn't anywhere close either. the whole time, it felt like every other time we've had serious talks late at night in dark, enclosed spaces with lots of people around. think about it, that is the exact circumstance for things starting for us 2/3 of the time, and then add thursday. but the glaring difference this time wasn't that (for once) we didn't want to be with each other, (we did,) it was just that we couldn't under any further existing circumstances. even if not for the existance of a certain curly haired obstacle i shant name, its just out of the question anymore. which is entirely my fault, i can see my own weaknesses pretty easily. i can't be trusted anymore.
but overall, what i regret isn't even close to that we couldn't do what we thought we wanted to thursday, its that we are incapable of not wanting it. what is it about us that makes it so we can never be happy at the same time? we'll never be together properly, we'll never-ever be 'just friends,' and i don't want him out of my life entirely, which is the only way i seriously think we'll ever move on from all this. this has dominated the last 14 months of my life, and only for 5 months out of all of them were we actually ever happy... and i don't even know if thats true for myself. more accurately i must be at 3. 11 of the last 14 months we've been in a needlessly complicated and humiliatingly dramatic limbo, and i just wish we didn't have to act like this. we can't be happy where we are... and if either of us ever tries, it is just the other one's nature to be secretly crushed about it. we can't help it. we are chickens with our heads cut off, nigh incapable of funtioning.

but at least we remain morally-concious chickens.

You're just playing dirty now.

TOK?
Seriously?
T. O. K.
T as in turtle?
And you made it sound like that??

Le sigh...

----How---- am I supposed to choose?


This was -so- not an issue a week ago.



I sound like a morose intellectual. *_*

Emo Blog.......

Worst day ever.
-First day ever driving to school. I was so shitty at getting into the parking lot (NEVER USE THE KIPLING TURN IN) a guy actually GOT OUT OF HIS CAR to yell at me.
-Five minutes late to my first final.
-Found out I failed a take home test that I RIDICULOUSLY cheated on.
-Proceeded to fail math final.
-History FRQ final. Not that hard, but still really stressful.
-Started my period unexpectedly (sorry, boy reader(s) ((wait, not (s))
-Got stuck at the bottom of my driveway (the only unshoveled one in the street, I may add)
-Shoveled said driveway for 45 minutes to no avail.
-Saddle Creek (Bright eyes store) sent me the same box of stuff twice (not really a big problem as they didn't even charge me for the second box, but now I'll prolly have to ship it back to Nebraska.)
-My Bio and Math grades will be C's.
-My English teacher is trying to give me a B. In ENGLISH.

Emo.

Quite a way to end the vacation -

Fall out boy concert tonight.
Great show.
Great company (i recommend seeing shows with ian!)
they didn't come out, but it was like 20 degrees, so its okay.
ow.
sore.
that means it -had- to be good.

___

'if we weren't on the phone, i would know, because you close your eyes and nod.'
'i do not do that.'
'yes, or else you smile and blink twice. [pause] see, you just did it.'
[i did] 'huh... i did. how did you know that?'
'i just know you. i am extremely fluent in kayla.'

NO laughing at me. Laughing will earn you a swift kick to the teeth. (THIS MEANS YOU, EMMA)

They -cancelled- The OC.
I loved that freaking show.
Only 6 more episodes ever.
*die*

Hey, There, 2007

First blog of this year... The last night of 2006 was no bueno, that is -after- I left alli's, as she is amazing. But my new year's kiss was pretty much my dog. sooo yeah. Way to be lame, New Year's Eve, 2006.

But, on the other hand, I was able to go see my fantastic friends twice this weekend, something that wouldn't have ever happened if I didn't have...

MY LISCENCE!!!

yes. yes a lot.

This break isn't the best I've ever had, but not even close to the worst. I'd be looking forward to school a lot more if I didn't have a math and history final the first day back.

And my poor cello, soo neglected. It really shouldn't be, either.

It's really weird, I remember waking up crying sometime last night over some dream. I can't for the life of me remember what it was. Something was being taken away from me. Not a person... Oh well. I wonder why people are able to start crying in their sleep? It's really fascinating to me. Can you wake yourself up laughing? I don't think I ever have... But then again, maybe laughing is just a lot less memorable.

The 15's are getting me in trouble. I'm going to back off those.

RRRRRRRRSHHHHHRSSSZZHHSSHHHHHHSSSSSSZZZZZZRRRR
the noise of my vacuum. That word -totally- has two u's. That is the best.

I spent the last hour looking back over all my blogs. Man, this summer... the most action-packed time of my last three years. I'd like to live it again, everything was... right. And interesting, at the same time.

Hey, 2007, try to be like that, okay?