Because I don't want to end the night grouchy,

A Soundtrack to Me!

Pick ten-fifteen songs, write a memory with each.


Basket Case - Green Day - Because I knew the words to this song, I met three of my favorite friends from high school, Morgan, Lauren and Cacia. Singing [quietly] backstage before the second orchestra concert of the year.

Rush - 2112 - Okay, so this is really an album, but it is entirely representative of the one night Haley and Neil and I spent at Kenton's, which remains one of the best of high school. This memory would be complete if one were to throw in a bag of doritos, magic cards, crouching tiger and my death cab for cutie tshirt being worn by not me. And Not haley. and not kenton. lol.

Anything by Muse - It turns out that when freshmen girls get locked in a dark temp far removed from the school while decorating spring flings, they tend to fall in love with Matt McGorrin for about three days. Its a common problem.

Work - Jimmy Eat World - The Lindsey Goad phase, and all that came with it. In particular, I get dressed for spring fling with lindsey, emma and anqi. Anqi and lindsey proceed to tell my insecure freshman self I look like a skank, and they give me 'more appropriate' clothing. Yet that was still an oddly fun night.

Going Away to College - Blink-182 - My first boyfriend wrote the lyrics to this song in a card and I, not having heard the song before, asked him if he wrote them. He, being nuts, said yes. I, being gullible, believed him. Goes down in sophomore lore forever.

Neighborhood #3 - Arcade Fire - This was the first indie song I ever heard. It remains one of my favorites. This song gave me a completely new lifestyle, all by itself.

Carousel - Blink 182 - My first date with Ian. His dad picked us up from school and drove us to the mills. We both sat in the backseat and neither of us talked. We walked around aimlessly for an hour or so, he asked me what my favorite color was awkwardly and he bought Burger King for dinner. All in all, an adorably awkward first date. As they all should be.

There's Always Someone Cooler Than You - Ben Folds - We probably listened to this song every day sophomore year when we would every day go to Good Times for lunch and every day eat it in front of Mr Hannagan, with whom we were always willing to share fries.

The Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny - Lemon Demon - This ridiculous song was repeated word for word by Sam outside of my Geometry class with complete sincerity. For a sophomore, this apparently makes a person a real catch. (said with un-bitter sarcasm. Just normal sarcasm.)

The Mariner's Revenge Song - The Decemberists - It is an indie song, and it is about pirates. It could only be allison and I's favorite song for weeks on end. We even had plans to enact its vengeful plot on unruly ex boyfriends.

Build Me Up Buttercup - The Temptations - Howling the lyrics to this every ten minutes with my 23 best friends for two weeks - LEP 2006. In particular, when we all just let Jay sing the lead vocals and he had 20+ backup singers.

The Luckiest - Ben Folds - I bet Ben didn't realize how bitter this song can be when he wrote it. It is certainly bittersweet because as lovely as the song is, it reminds me of every bad thing to happen to my best friend in our junior year, of which there were too many. But all those things got us where we are now, so I suppose it deserves noting.

First Day of My Life - Bright Eyes - Of course, this song makes it here. It was written on a window just for me, and I feel the same way i did when I saw it that first time every time I hear it.

Hey There Delilah - Plain White T's - Standing on the precipice of what would become a very pivotal summer with nothing more than hopes for the best, and new friends. That 'best' that we were hoping for apparently didn't get the invite, but that kind of anticipation and uncertainty that May held was kind of a great feeling, in a way.

Julie-O - Mark Summers - Allison is an amazing cellist, and reminds me I will always, always have music (and her) in my life.

Intervention - Arcade Fire - Now we are pretty much grown ups, and we have to move out into the real world, inherit all its problems and hope that maybe we can make a difference out there. To really, really kickass organ chords. (One can only hope.)

I know you're all mostly right,

but i do know some things for myself. like I totally realize what we have isn't the ideal in a lot of respects, but when it is, when something cute or sweet happens that makes me all bubbly, not a single one of you care at all. I mean, my one year anniversary was two weeks ago. Did anyone ask me about it? No, not so much, not a fucking person. Not even my own mother. Because how could something so dysfunctional ever be good enough to make me happy? I know most of the time you are right, but there do exist two actual human beings in this relationship, with the same amount of personality qualities as anyone else, even some great ones, believe it or not. It's not fair, and I know that you've all three gone through things similar to this, but maybe you could just remember how it feels when that is all you hear from anyone. Its like no one thinks you are capable of making your own decisions, that everyone knows better than you do.
I'm not making any excuses, God knows he's done some things seriously wrong, but there is a reason I'm still happy, maybe my word will be taken on that one a little.

And to whom it may concern, on our anniversary he brought me flowers and told me he would never trade the last year for the world, for all the imperfections it might have had.
And I feel the same way.


But I'm not mad at you guys, just frustrated with the situation. Don't get me wrong.

To lavender pillow spray:

Where have you been all my life?

... I feel so perfectly girly.

My dreams will even smell good!

You aren't even -trying-.

You are the opposite of trying.

15 'gain.

1. Maybe you aren't so good for me. Maybe you fuck with me just a liiiitle too much.
2. You are going to be hella pissed at us, but I hope we are still friends after!
3. Since when do you KNOW that I hate you? I am supposed to be the bitch to -you-, not the other way around!
4. You are so yucky. What was I thinking? I guess I didn't have to be around you too much.
5. You do -want- to make things the way they were again, right? An off hour difference shouldn't be enough to do this much damage.
6. Oh grandma, what blue tights you have! What a disturbing jumper! (Yes I know you got two but whatevs I hate you twice as much as the average bear.)
7. You are doing great.
8. I am so worried for you. I don't know if you can (or will, i guess) do this without being told what to do, but I guess that doesn't say much for me.
9. Back off, beeotch!
10. Our house has a revolving door. We have a Mary Poppins date. Don't forget?
11. On and off, but the On was short this time. *phew!*
12. If I am going to spend 75+ hours locked in either a smelly room or a dark hole, I'm glad it's with you!
13. You a crazy bitch. P.S. Please do not wear different gaudy dangly earrings in each ear again, it is too hard to learn math and biology AND spanish when I am laughing that hard. (Oh God, I just realized I have 4 classes with you, GROSS!)
14. You make fun of me for it, but I do laugh at pretty much everything you say.
15. I miss you I miss you I miss you. We don't even live that far apart. What is WRONG with us?

Tat!

P.S. That is not my arm.

I used to feel like a princess with you.

Do you at least think I'm still worth it?

15 fellows

1. I saw this coming a mile away, and believe me, I really wanted to stop it from happening. But how do you tell someone something like that? You can't and its terrible, because I would've done anything to keep you from ever being hurt, ever. No one deserves it less.
2. You sure did 180. When I first met you, I really thought all the other guys in town had a thing or two to learn from you. Turns out, the only thing anyone should learn from you is how to self-destruct and lose your perfect girlfriend and all your friends by being a lying asshole. Funny how that can sometimes happen.
3. You. There have only been two of you, and you were in some ways the most intense. I've never figured you out, and it bugs me that you dangled it in front of me and then did your famous disappearing act. I know things aren't radically different now from how they've been all year, but they feel like it. More un-bridgable. That's thanks to her of course.
4. I just thought of you totally randomly. I don't remember very much, but I do remember your eyes were grey, we listened to nirvana on your discman as ipods hadn't been invented yet, you went to the dance with a girl named Shae. Also, since I met you in the summer between 8th and 9th grade, you were the first boy I flirted with and you've got a couple other firsts too. What's become of you, I wonder. How odd that I used to know you but now we both still exist.
5. I hope things work out for you. I don't think you are fake like everyone else, I think you just have a genuinely hard time with things we all take for granted. But I think you are genuinely kind too.
6. I met you in a very impressionable time, so you came to represent everything I thought high school would be. You were such a... I don't know, a 'concept person,' if that makes any sense. Meeting you really changed my life. Hell, you were even my first kiss. (I will never get over how weird that is.) When you left, I learned about injustice for the first time. It was a big deal to fight something so hard and lose. I think we all took something away from that. I have no doubt that my life, I, would be drastically different if you had never left. We do miss you a lot, sometimes.
7. Break up with the hagfish already! Or should I say catfish. All of us remember some pretty great times with you, we would like to have some more before we graduate!
8. Man, you have a history of making me hella confused periodically. I always come to the same (and correct) conclusion, but otherwise you're a pretty fun friend.
9. Too bad you can't be as nice as you were last spring. What a weird blip. I think my best friend just has a knack for bringing out the best in those that fall for her, even if in your case the effect was tragically temporary. Man, you sure are a prick nowadays though.
10. It really, really sucks that we can never have our friend back. He used to be alright, and we miss that guy.
11. To Seth Cohen : you are my soulmate, please don't be a fictional O.C. character anymore.
12. You are just plain bizarre. Which is the opposite of a yak.
13. You are doing an excellent job, keep up the good work there, tiger.
14. I'm glad I have met your acquaintance this year, you have quite the wit and are pretty nice to boot.
15. I saved you for last because of course you mean more to me than you can imagine. I met you two and a half years ago, and yoi have been changing my life ever since. I haven't been able to get you out of my head, nor have I wanted to. You've taught me that silly little lesson they sing about so much in moulin rouge, which really is the greatest thing you'll ever learn. I digress in yucky mushiness, however. What ever ends up happening in our futures, I know you will always, always be a part of my life. I wouldn't and couldn't have it any other way. I love you.

How to Lose [and find] Yourself In Three Days.

Tuesday night I was so wracked with guilt and terror and helplessness that I actually could not sleep, period.

This came from a revelation that I actually have no desire to go to music school, a realization so huge that I became terrified I was only making it out of laziness. Also didn't help that my FRYS director thinks I quit FRYS weeks ago, something I definitely didn't do. And my legs were REALLY itchy. So no sleep.

I wondered Wednesday as I drove to math class [fifteen minutes late], am I losing it? Am I becoming ambitionless, am I giving up on myself and my dreams [not to mention my cello], do I have any convictions or passions left, who am I even anymore???

I may have been overreacting.

Since then, I have accepted that maybe music school really wasn't what I thought it would be, and maybe it isn't so terrible of me to make the decision not to follow it, at least for now.

Today, I rediscovered my passion for history. Not as lucrative or romantic as a passion to study music, but I really do like it an awful lot.

Also, I hate my stand partner.
Let me tell you why this is important.
I really cannot stand this girl. She is a chunky, obnoxious, whiny girl that never got over being voted 'best sense of humor' in eighth grade graduation. Most importantly, she is trying to be me. I earned the title 'Benevolent Dictator' within my section after months of bossing everyone around. Now she comes around, a JUNIOR, trying to boss people!
Nuh UH.
That's my job so hugely.
So now, the best way to get at someone like that is to boss them. She could never STAND it! hehehe. But it is imperative that if I am going to tell her to watch the sharps, I know the sharps pretty damn well myself, or else I will have absolutely no credibility and that just won't do. So hatred has motivated me to become a kick-ass cellist and section leader, just to piss her off.
It works, I practiced for two hours today.

So things aren't as bad as Wednesday-me thought they were. This has prompted me to come up with what I like to call

THE GAME PLAN.
1. Content yourself with your college choices, now excluding Puget Sound School of Music and Berklee.You will love CMC or DU.
2. Do your homework, keep your grades nice and tidy.
3. Keep up with Pit Orchestra, be psycho about not missing rehearsal.
4. Stay at Target until your 18th birthday in April. Then, promptly quit and apply for a job you don't hate quite so bad. Think Borders, Buckle, Hot Topic maybe.
5. Boyfriend situation: good. Be super cute on 1 year anniversary, coming up a week from tomorrow. See at least twice a week until musical is over.
6. Renounce Mock Trial quitting guilt, since you still don't regret it at ALL.
7. Friends situation: Stable. Find the other bee eff eff and find out what the heck is going on.
8. Make the book.
9. Get yourself to Buffalo, Twist and Shout, get a Paste magazine for God's sake! You used to call yourself a hipster! For shame. Take Alli.
10. Also, watch Buffy with Alli.
11. Get IN to all-county. Past that, enjoy the day at Boettcher.

This should get me through the next five months alright. Its all downhill from here, in the GOOD sense, not the losery sense.

Second Semester Begins!

It was unspectacular.

Senioritis commence.....3..........2........1

Dear 2008,

Hey, hey hey. I really think we've started off on the wrong foot here, 2008. I was innocently looking forward to you as much as the next guy, and what do I get? Two hours into you you smack me with a fever of 103.2, and the very next day you smack me with wonderful news that will keep me bedridden for the rest of your first week, and now you've convinced me to give up on music school?
Now, I don't think this is quite fair.
I've got nothing against you, 2008! In fact, you could say I've been counting down to you for twelve years; I graduate in you, I become an adult in you, I go to college in you! I'm pretty fond of you, in theory! So whats with the playa hatin'? Believe me, the last thing I need is a shitty 2008, so why don't we start over? And maybe set down some more ground rules:
1. NO MORE wonky diseases.
2. No dumb immatureness fights. I would like to actually leave high school entirely in you and not carry on that little aspect.
3. If possible, no world wars or epidemics? This may be asking a lot, but I really do have a lot on my plate already.
4. No heartbreak! None for me, none for my friends, none for anyone!
5. Goodish grades? Please?
6. No new bitches and/or hoes. The old ones will suffice.
7. No financial hardship beyond normal college poorness.
8. A little inspiration? This is a biggie.
9. Maturity for me!
10. As for my friends, I'm pretty good with them. Please do not be evil to them either.

Thank you, 2008, and I'm sure if we can both follow these little guidelines things will shape up in a hurry.

P.S. Oh and THANKS for making me think we went back to school on the 9th! lies, all lies.