the other night...

okay so i realize the four of you who read this have pretty much all heard me beat this subject like the dead horse it is, but i really don't think my blog can go entirely without mention of the events of thursday night.
clearly, we didn't do anything wrong. but what i don't like is how disappointed i was that we couldn't, or that it wouldve been wrong in the first place. it just means i am not over this like i thought i was, and that he isn't anywhere close either. the whole time, it felt like every other time we've had serious talks late at night in dark, enclosed spaces with lots of people around. think about it, that is the exact circumstance for things starting for us 2/3 of the time, and then add thursday. but the glaring difference this time wasn't that (for once) we didn't want to be with each other, (we did,) it was just that we couldn't under any further existing circumstances. even if not for the existance of a certain curly haired obstacle i shant name, its just out of the question anymore. which is entirely my fault, i can see my own weaknesses pretty easily. i can't be trusted anymore.
but overall, what i regret isn't even close to that we couldn't do what we thought we wanted to thursday, its that we are incapable of not wanting it. what is it about us that makes it so we can never be happy at the same time? we'll never be together properly, we'll never-ever be 'just friends,' and i don't want him out of my life entirely, which is the only way i seriously think we'll ever move on from all this. this has dominated the last 14 months of my life, and only for 5 months out of all of them were we actually ever happy... and i don't even know if thats true for myself. more accurately i must be at 3. 11 of the last 14 months we've been in a needlessly complicated and humiliatingly dramatic limbo, and i just wish we didn't have to act like this. we can't be happy where we are... and if either of us ever tries, it is just the other one's nature to be secretly crushed about it. we can't help it. we are chickens with our heads cut off, nigh incapable of funtioning.

but at least we remain morally-concious chickens.