How to Lose [and find] Yourself In Three Days.

Tuesday night I was so wracked with guilt and terror and helplessness that I actually could not sleep, period.

This came from a revelation that I actually have no desire to go to music school, a realization so huge that I became terrified I was only making it out of laziness. Also didn't help that my FRYS director thinks I quit FRYS weeks ago, something I definitely didn't do. And my legs were REALLY itchy. So no sleep.

I wondered Wednesday as I drove to math class [fifteen minutes late], am I losing it? Am I becoming ambitionless, am I giving up on myself and my dreams [not to mention my cello], do I have any convictions or passions left, who am I even anymore???

I may have been overreacting.

Since then, I have accepted that maybe music school really wasn't what I thought it would be, and maybe it isn't so terrible of me to make the decision not to follow it, at least for now.

Today, I rediscovered my passion for history. Not as lucrative or romantic as a passion to study music, but I really do like it an awful lot.

Also, I hate my stand partner.
Let me tell you why this is important.
I really cannot stand this girl. She is a chunky, obnoxious, whiny girl that never got over being voted 'best sense of humor' in eighth grade graduation. Most importantly, she is trying to be me. I earned the title 'Benevolent Dictator' within my section after months of bossing everyone around. Now she comes around, a JUNIOR, trying to boss people!
Nuh UH.
That's my job so hugely.
So now, the best way to get at someone like that is to boss them. She could never STAND it! hehehe. But it is imperative that if I am going to tell her to watch the sharps, I know the sharps pretty damn well myself, or else I will have absolutely no credibility and that just won't do. So hatred has motivated me to become a kick-ass cellist and section leader, just to piss her off.
It works, I practiced for two hours today.

So things aren't as bad as Wednesday-me thought they were. This has prompted me to come up with what I like to call

THE GAME PLAN.
1. Content yourself with your college choices, now excluding Puget Sound School of Music and Berklee.You will love CMC or DU.
2. Do your homework, keep your grades nice and tidy.
3. Keep up with Pit Orchestra, be psycho about not missing rehearsal.
4. Stay at Target until your 18th birthday in April. Then, promptly quit and apply for a job you don't hate quite so bad. Think Borders, Buckle, Hot Topic maybe.
5. Boyfriend situation: good. Be super cute on 1 year anniversary, coming up a week from tomorrow. See at least twice a week until musical is over.
6. Renounce Mock Trial quitting guilt, since you still don't regret it at ALL.
7. Friends situation: Stable. Find the other bee eff eff and find out what the heck is going on.
8. Make the book.
9. Get yourself to Buffalo, Twist and Shout, get a Paste magazine for God's sake! You used to call yourself a hipster! For shame. Take Alli.
10. Also, watch Buffy with Alli.
11. Get IN to all-county. Past that, enjoy the day at Boettcher.

This should get me through the next five months alright. Its all downhill from here, in the GOOD sense, not the losery sense.