Can't Sleep -

Clowns'll eat me.

Bloggity Bloggity Blog Blog Blog

Queries:
Why am I up so late on finals night?
Since when do I consider 11:43 pm to be late?
Am I now a granny?
More importantly,
Why the hell can't I stop blogging?

Finals Fifteen

1. If you aren't well liked, I must not be either, because we are hella similar. I like you! We can hang out anyway, right? [This one is double counted.]
2. You and I are in this one together, which makes it so much less horrible. We just have to figure out what the hell we need to do.
3. Your family is far more adorable than you give them credit for. You seem to function pretty darn well with them, better than I do with my dad, anyway.
4. Go to hell, I still say plants can't fucking breathe, you mind-decimating Nazi ho bags.
5. Why did you make me such a lovely, lovely cupcake? Even your ENVELOPE was amazing. Gah, worst friend in the world award goes to yours truly!
6. I know you're excited, but keep your skirts on, it will be awhile.
7. We would probably get sick of bailing each other out if it didn't save -both- of us from sheer annihilation pretty evenly. Thanks for being my bee eff eff, biology is only the tip of the iceberg of things I could never do without you!
8. Okay, this is getting silly. TWO months without seeing you? I need to give you your fudge! Also, as a side note, Alli and I are going to do all of the nice things in the world for you. That is that.
9. Where'd you go? We miss you so. Fucker. (also, since when do I quote Ft. Minor?)
10. It still isn't you, but if it was you it would make things way easier.
11. Really, that is just not nice. What's done is done. Especially in this case.
12. Be home! I want to play!
13. September can never ever ever ever come.
14. I'm going to try my hardest with you, but I always come back to thinking
15. It would have been me.




and i might have loved it.


but really, I don't know what I mean by that.

Testing 123

Maybe I can Blog from my phone?

We Can't Let This Happen, Okay Guys?

Left And Leaving
The Weakerthans

My city's still breathing (but barely it's true)
through buildings gone missing like teeth.
The sidewalks are watching me think about you,
sparkled with broken glass.
I'm back with scars to show.
Back with the streets I know
Will never take me anywhere but here.
The stain in the carpet, this drink in my hand,
the strangers whose faces I know.
We meet here for our dress-rehearsal to say " I wanted it this way"
Wait for the year to drown.
Spring forward, fall back down.
I'm trying not to wonder where you are.
All this time lingers, undefined.
Someone choose who's left and who's leaving.
Memory will rust and erode into lists of all that you gave me:
a blanket, some matches, this pain in my chest,
the best parts of Lonely, duct-tape and soldered wires,
new words for old desires,
and every birthday card I threw away.
I wait in 4/4 time.
Count yellow highway lines that you're relying on to lead you home.

A Rant... but I think i might like the ending.

So I did something that no one in the entire universe ever ever EVER expected me to do, with the list of skeptics beginning with me, fo sho. But I did it anyway...
I just sort of stopped hating Julia... weird.
I was just sitting there behind her, and she had this text from Sam on her phone that she was as usual showing off to Jen, and I was as usual sitting there literally seething. I hated the concept of her with my CMF, to steal a term from emma, (Close male friend lol) so much that my hands would actually shake and I would feel faint and sick from all the blood rushing to my face. So I was sitting back there, all of that happening to me, and I realized, 'hey, this literally FEELS shitty. this is absolutely no fun at all. Actually, this sucks.' And I noticed, hey, if i can notice this, why couldn't i just... take the easier path? Wouldn't it feel a lot nicer just to look at Julia (which I have to do a lot and will have to do even more next semester) and not have my blood boil? Of course this is 99% to do with Sam... last night I ended up feeling really bad for him, for being so stuck with a girl friend and a friend who were seemingly mortal enemies for good. I left him with that exact idea, I thought the same thing. I even told him I wouldn't even be CIVIL to her for his sake. But tonight at rehearsal, it just suddenly seemed so stupid. I have to see her ALL the time, and she is dating my friend, who actually does deserve to be happy, however that is accomplished, and on top of all that it had been quite some time since she actually did anything to me directly, or to anyone I like. So... I asked her if she thought 14 December was too early to make New Years Resolutions. She didn't think so, so i told her i was thinking about resolving to STOP being a high school girl. Ironically, this morning I told William that I had this weird feeling that this whole scandal would be my last hurrah, gossip wise, and I think I might have been more correct than I anticipated. I told Julia that really, when it came down to it being mean or angry all the time doesn't get anyone anywhere, so I thought I would just stop. Especially with her dating Sam and all. She probably didn't appreciate being thrown directly into the conversation like that, but she did engage, and she asked me if i had a big problem with that. I told her I really, really really did until about ten minutes previous. But that it got old. And did she want to get coffee some time on break.
Really, the best thing about this was the reaction it got from Sam. I mean, anyone who is acquainted with either of us would be completely baffled to walk into a room and see her and I chatting away about CAS hours and Mr Harris. Sam literally stood back and pointed at us and yelled 'what in the HELL is going on? Who ARE you people?!' and it was kind of awesome. When do you ever freak people out by being nice? And honestly, it was so much easier to be in their shared proximity tonight. No threat of vomit. Nice.
So, yeah, its unexpected and yes very weird. No, I am not sure that it will/can stick, or that i won't change my mind. No, this isn't universal, I haven't began having ideas of having a girls night with Cat and Kathrin and Andrea and whoever, I am still mostly sane. No, I'm not expecting anyone else to share my conversion (although peace is generally preferable to outright warfare in the situations in which it can be readily achieved.) But I guess for now I will give it a go... and so will she, I suppose.

If I can write two more essays tonight

then i just might get into this college.

5 down, 2 to go

I am SO ready to be done with IAs.

I'm really quite a wreck without.

I miss my cello.
I miss Alli.
I miss FRYS.
I miss Jake.
I miss my boyfriend.
I miss reading.
I miss Sam and Danielle.
I miss my sister.
I miss shopping.
I miss my past.
I miss writing.
I miss sleepovers.
I miss Aaron and Eli.
I miss clarity.
I miss Annie.
I miss TV.
I miss A's.
I miss fucking SLEEP.

So, assuming I can finish my IA tonight -
Can I have all that back please?

Um, Veteran's Day is a National -Holiday.-

So here I am.
Not at school.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

At Sweet Last

The Transpiration Lab of Doom and Destruction is FINISHED. CORRECTLY.

It nearly killed me. Good Lord.

who am i kidding?

I have completed this 6 page biology lab no less than four different times.
Each time, as I finish my last data table (The lab involves finding 28 averages, 196 standard deviations) I realize that I have either averaged or found the standard deviation of the wrong data.
Each time takes me an hour.

I have never felt so hopeless in my life. I wish I was exaggerating. I cannot forsee myself ever correctly completing this lab. It was due today... I've spent 5 hours redoing the data collection only. Let alone the graph I am bound to screw up royally another 4 times.

Why haven't I dropped out yet? This isn't fucking worth it.

Nate and Kyle:

You guys aren't half bad.
*nod of appreciation*

22 Ways Kayla and Kelsey Can Get World Series Tickets

-paint a parrot grey to look like a pigeon, make it memorize ATM numbers and steal money for us.
-set our houses on fire and collect the insurance money.
-kidnap a freshmen for a ransom.
-kill an elephant and sell ites tusks on the black market.
-cure AIDS before Wednesday and sell the vaccine.
-make nuclear materials deals with Iran.
-Transport cocaine across the border.
-get a boxer to throw the big fight and bet on his underdog opponent.
-start a worldwide phenomenon pop group and sell tix for >$1000 each.
-write the gread American novel.
-find out an ultra top secret CIA operation and blackmail the government.
-sell our bodies to the night, of course.
-bet best friend's Babe Ruth baseball in high stakes poker game and actually remember to win.
-steal an Alaskan glacier under cover of darnkess and sell to Saudis for drinking water.
-train a seal to paint in watercolor and sell its work.
-sell 1/8th of Ian Lausa's hoodies.
-sue McDonalds because I stepped on a Happy Meal Transformer toy yesterday and it hurt like a bitch.
-find a peasant girl to marry who can spin gold thread after shady dealings with 'good' fairy.
-sell our eggs from our ovaries.
-run donation drive for rabid squirrel awareness and keep da moolah.
-make fake alter-ego, get him a social security # and a credit card and charge as many as we like.
-sell Connor's kidnies.
-Scrounge in penny tray at 7-11 and in car, in between couch cushions. You never know.

And for once, its not IB's fault.

I Just don't know what to do with myself.
-Jack White

I'm Not Going to do What I Usually Do.

I'm older and wiser.
But still...
fuck. I didn't see that coming.

Reason # 528475239 why I love Jake

From a Myspace survey:
"19. Do you find members of the opposite sex confusing?
GOD YES. It's like trying to read german written in hebrew upside-down with words missing. It's like trying to explain why the chicken came before the egg. It's like trying to live in Antarctica with nothing but a spatula. It's IMPOSSIBLE."
-Jake

and that's what i felt like today. Thanks, IB

"I fight like hell to hide that I am giving up."
-Conor Oberst

Things that should NOT be in the Arvada Center Storage Room:

-Tiny trees
-huge vats of water with a current running through them to nowhere
-A FUCKIN PILE OF SNOW

but i got to hit jake in the face with a snowball and there is NO WAY he EVER could have seen it coming.

For Your Information...

I'm not a gossip.
I'm an oral historian.

(says alli)
(i hearchoo!)

Love Letters

Dear Amanda,
It's beyond awesome that one can be born with a readymade best friend who is as rocking awesome as you are. I feel so lucky that I just -get- this fantastic girl who is basically funnier than anyone I will ever meet, hotter than a fox (which is just a bonus when walking around in public - residual check-outs, you know) AND who I can have in-depth conversations with at distances of across a 100 yard concert hall. Also, we rock because us screaming at each other and kicking smalls of backs is now simply a tool of general stress relief, and you will still clean my room before Mom gets home if I need it. Well, sometimes. How awesome that I can't concievably ever fall out with you!

Dear Emma,
If there is one thing we do really really well, it is persevere. Its probably because we are both so god damn stubborn, but it will take a hell of a lot for us to ever stop being bee eff effs. Its going on six years that we have been a singular entity, and a total of nine years of dirt and the like that we have on each other. We are never in anything on our own, because we have grown up loving and helping each other through everything that has been thrown at us, and that has definetly included some serious curve balls. (sidenote: I should not watch the Rockies while writing my best friend a love letter.) But I digress. I couldn't do this without you, emmala. This is the kind of thing I intend on keeping for as long as humanly possible (read: fo eva!)

Dear Ian,
I love you so so SO much. We haven't had an easy go of it, overall. We had to really work at this, but all that work just makes being with you that much sweeter, because we have had to really earn it. We are totally devoted to each other, and I can't imagine how empty my life would be without you in it. As far as all the rest of your friends go, we all admire you for how unwaveringly kind you are. I know you don't always see that as a good thing because yes, it can get you taken advantage of, but if someone needs you, you will do anything for them. A friend of yours could never feel unwanted or unsure that you are the most genuine person they know. You have the status of my only love, which means I am completely yours. (So whaddya say... wanna date? lol)

Dear Alli,
It was really hard to write that letter about you, because it didn't cut it to say (truthfully) that you really are unique in every way. You are loving and loyal to be sure, but throw on top of that witty, exciting, imaginative, playful and insightful in everything you do. At the same time. Whilst juggling. I don't care if we're on opposite coasts next year, you are fantastic enough to fill up the whole stupid middle! All the time I spend with you stands out sharply in my memory, because for you nothing is ever regular or ordinary. A huge chunk of what I remember as high school will be the times I spent with you, perusing Broadway, making pies, being broken at pit, being called a slut at vampire movies with you and also our favorite activity of mocking everything in sight... You make up a huge part of me, and that can never change.

Dear Kelsey,
A gangsta-ass nigga plays her cards right! (um, that'd be you.) I know I love you because I know you would have giggled had you read the word 'whilst' above. I love you because you can make fun of me (and I you) to no ends, and we'll just laugh harder. I love that the first night we spent together by ourselves, we ended up in a place called Barbara Ann drive. And most of all, I admire you because you will always be surrounded with people you love because you value your friends above all else. As we do you.

Dear Annie,
You really deserve a best friend status, because we only see each other steadily for one twentyfirst of the year, and regardless we always pick up just where we left off. You get me amazingly well, and I love everything about you, for real. Whether we are coffeeing at our semi-monthly coffee date or over taping the taut tarps, we have a blast. Everything you do is heartfelt and passionate. You will really the next great American writer, a lot because of that. You open up, and put yourself so far on the line that I could never imagine being so brave. I know I can always trust you and that we will always be there for each other to lean on.

Dear Jake,
I have never seen you do a mean thing. Wow. I got to be really close with you suprisingly fast, considering we used to only see each other maybe once every two months before FRYS started. You deserve the world, because that is what you give to your friends. All the rest of us can do is try to keep up with you, and maybe even learn from your example of what a best friend should be.

Dear Danielle,
I got a big sister at 17 years old. And she is everything a fantastic one should be. While we are always the first to admit we are SO the unlikeliest of friends, I think the adverse circumstances we overcame to get here really show that we aren't the fairweather type. I can always come to you with things I can barely even admit to myself, and you can always help me rationalize and decompress and generally come out of any of our discussions a better person. I wish I could give to you as much as you give to me, but for now I'll just have to continue working on your Christmas present I've started ;-)

Dear Ben,
I came back to my favorite place in the world this summer, and you were one of the two people that made it what it was this time around. It was different for both of us this year, but we had each other through it, and that built up a huge trust between us. I miss you so much! Its not fair that we have so much going on right now that I can't even talk to one of my best friends in the world, just because you live a state away. You would be fascinated how much my friends at school have heard about 'my best friend Ben from LEP', and that is because you are so unique that after knowing you I see things with your spin on them, that spin being one of pure awesome.

Dear Lauren (Golder),
Every one of our mutual friends always talks about you with close to downright reverence. You really are a goddess! We never take ourselves too seriously (hoot! we're owls!), refuse to take others who take themselves too seriously too seriously (bono!), and we always have the time of our lives together. You live one-hundred percent for yourself, and that makes you unlike anyone else I know. You were totally shocked when I told you you are (well, were) intimidating, but that is just because people don't really know what to do when they're faced with real individuality.


Dear Lane,
I am nothing but comfortable around you. I could be having the shittiest of ever-so-shitty days, and you are always the one to smile and wave at me and act genuinely excited to see me, as I always am to see you! Your sense of humor and your friendliness and especially your sky-high self esteem leave everyone around you feeling like life really can be fun, if you let it be. I unwind whenever I'm with you, and its great to be able to have a friend like that. Oh, and you will make a BEYOND excellent vampire for aych-ay-double ell-oh ween!

Dear Lauren (Scott),
It was a little surprising to me that when I was counting off in my head the people who make my life worth living, you were way up here. And that's saying nothing about how amazing of a friend you are, because you really are one of my favorite people. Can anyone who has ever met you honestly say you've never made them laugh till they've cried? You know who you are, and if people don't like it you will be the first to flip them the bird, and that is the kind of attitude we all sometimes wish we could live by. You're really the least fake person I know, which is really hard to believe from an outsider's perspective, because it doesn't seem right that one person could be so BOMBastic! Also, its awesome that to you 'grubass' means delicious. I love Lauren speak!

Love, Love, Love, Love, Love, Love, Love, Love, Love, Love, Love, Love,
The Person Whose Life You All Make Worth Living.

Its good to know

That the films:
-Rock-a-doodle
-Happily Ever After
-Once Upon a Forest
-All Dogs Go to Heaven
-Dumbo
-The Great Mouse Detective
-Pinocchio

Not only existed outside of a dream state, but also -
were kinda (and in some cases, very) creepy.

Yay, 90's crack cartoons! Movie night once ROT-tober is over?

All is kinda right with the world.

Awesome!

Revival of 15

1.I missed you! I was afraid things would be different now, but now I can rest quite assured, we're both pretty fond of each other. On account of how distinguished we are. Quite.
2.It was really nice hanging with you again today. I can really let my guard down for once. Maybe we'll actually get close like back in the day, that would be beyond rockin awesome.
3.I love seeing you in your element like this... This always brings out the best in you, which just proves that you really are pretty darn selfless with the people who matter to you.
4.Really? REALLY? Careful now, this weekend its dinner, next month you'll be planning the seating chart of your wedding.
5.Enigma, much? What are you really getting at? Because we both know you are never without a motive.
6.You are like, -the- easiest person to get along with. It's like, 1. meet you 2. love you like mad and trust you to all ends. Do you know how rare that is? Wanna teach me your tricks?
7.How can you possibly be so mean? How is any of this your place? It really blows me away... and why would you EVER expect me to still want to talk to you after that???
8.Sorry I online dumped you... Not classy, I know. I hope this won't make me suck... But it is nice to lose that little twinge of guilt whenever I walk by my cello. Or is that twinge actually something I should keep going? God, I AM going to suck.
9.Oh, I SO knew it!!! See, they're objective, and they still think you are whacko! Cause you are! Step off!
10.You are charming. You know, I hate time. You and I need far more of it.
11.A lot of the things that have made me 'me' over the last two years are now subtly tainted by you. Will I still be able to be proud of those things? Can I keep my memories without being ashamed of them? Thanks a goddamn load, you psycho.
12.I like you, definitely. Beware, however, that I have no qualms in putting the bee eff eff whammy on you should you screw up. Ask the last one... No mercy!
13.That girl should duck during the Spanish movement.
14.If not entirely trustworthy, you are A. Fun to hang out with and B. fun to be seen in the company of. Man you're cute.
15.Finally! You've got the moves, now use them! I hope she's cool enough.

It feels SOO GOOD to be BAAACK!

100 points to the bear of chinese origin that can name that tune.

So this school year has been on for 5 days, and already, I have:
-done more homework than I'm pretty sure I did all junior year.
-cheated on homework (but I did it legit the first time, its not my fault my computer is an asshole.)
-Gotten KEVA yes!
-Had one (of hopefully to be very many) of my favorite off hours in memory.
-Forgiven one enemy, even though it was sort of on accident.
-Had a fight with my best friend and
-Resolved it within 48 hours
-and now things are lovely in that respect. Funny how honesty sometimes can, you know, solve things.
-missed/worried about/been excited for my now collegiate significant other
-missed -3- parties due to work
-at which I made about $150 in 3 days, so who's complaining
-met a fellow that, if I wasn't already madly in love, I could have trailing me in a second, which is always a self-esteem boost.
-neglected to practice my cello for the third week in a row.
-Secured tickets to four amazing concerts, 3 of which happen in a series of 5 September days I like to call 'the weekend of AWESOME'
-Made plans to actually visit my prospective colleges (which sadly entails giving up the last Halloween of my childhood, sad.)
-Wrote a blog.

Aren't you proud of me?

Yeah, right.

:-P

Fuck.

Extremely foul mood.

Pissed, but clearly ever-so-hypocritical.

Worried that I might become something I didn't want to and not even mind.

Missing Allison like crazy.

Paranoid, in an inconvieniently bitchy manner.

Hourly panic attacks about the fuckmeuptheass essay I have to do.

Bi-hourly panic attacks about the second chair I have no prayer of obtaining.

Feeling abandoned (I already said hypocritical, I know).

Having second thoughts.

Terrified.

I fucking miss you, alright? That pisses me off too. Traditionally, I'd call you when I get like this, but since you're such a fuck-up, I can't even (ever) do that. Congradulations, asshole.

We're fading out and dwindling fast. I fucking hate it.

I can't do it like she can, I'm the exact opposite - to me they're damn near impossible to come by, even harder to let go of.

Who can I vent to anymore? It'll just upset or anger the only two I've got. I know fully well that I'll be in a world of hurt whenever this one gets read. C'est la vie.

and what's more, I'm probably going to be wallowing like this for the whole of next month, until I get to LEP...

...what better time to reopen my blog, then?

I keep writing imaginary blogs... They never end up here, oddly enough.

To elaborate, I couldve sworn I wrote about 3 other blogs since the layout change, but I always forget to actually write them down and then they do not end up here. Catch up with myself time.

A fifteen? Yes, please.

1. Miss Cheese is messing with us. I can't find any IB jewelry -anywhere.-
2. You're finally fading out, and it couldn't have come a moment too soon. Make sure not to send a postcard from wherever the hell you end up, no one's going to care to read it (if all goes as it should.)
3. I find that hilarious, just because its you. Ian was totally horrified though.
4. You're tricky to figure out... you aren't an angel, but how bad do you go? Does it bother me? Who knows.
5. I guess karmic retribution is pretty swift with you. You try to do that a second time, and both of them are pretty much gone in an instant. But you looked way too miserable today for me to think you really deserved it that much.
6. You know what I decided? I do want to go. I'll even get you a cute present. Why is it any of my business what you do or who you do it with? Also I feel like a moron for ever believing him.
7. The first one is shady, the second one can't help it, and the third one kind of gets screwed in every direction here. That's shitty. You totally don't need that.
8. It was worth it, bunches of times over. The last two weeks have been more than I could've ever wished for.
9. Hey, I really think you should go for it. Shes pretty much the catchiest catch one can catch. She talks about you so adorably - so that's what it was like to like you, eh? Makes sense. But yeah, anyway, if it happens I guarantee you you're in for a fantastic next couple months.
10. You are amazing. I can't wait to see you. Thank you so much for this slice of amazingness. I love the cover. And the bali-wood like vocals on Coat Check Dream Song. Jeez.


<3

102 Dalmatians and a New Layout

I'm 17 now, yay. I hope this month will be more of one of the starty-overy (haha that sounds like ovary) months, because I'm in desperate need of a do-over.

Thanks for talking to me tonight. I feel better, even though I still have some major repenting to do. Its a good thing we're still the same person even if we get snarky.

I'm still working out how these things work... well at least how they work at this point. I like it though, and hopefully when I figure it out I can gossip with you about it again, because I've been itching to lately.

Anyway.

So I'm not even gonna get into Lewis and Clark anyway, so I'm glad I don't have to worry about it. Not even 4.0 president Indians have a shot, darn it.

I want to play A Cello Rondo.

I do not want my phone interview for LEP.

I want to wear my prom dress.

I do not want to dance like a moron.

I want Qdoba for lunch tomorrow.

I do not want Spanish tomorrow.

I want summer.

I do not want graduation.

So that's that.

Like the layout?

Even if I'm not a real Christian, religion doesn't deserve this... and his facts are all wrong.

So I Got this as a myspace bulletin from three guys I'm friends with there and got a bit... Defensive. This Was the bulletin -

98% of teens are so devoted to their religion, they start religious bulletins. 2% of teens think the other 98% should shut up and quit posting these religious bulletins.

one of the main causes for war is religion
-during the crusades, the catholics went to kill all the arabs and take isreal for their own because......they thought it was their god given right

-WWII was the product of adolf hitler killing off the jews....because that was their religion

-the war with terror is really a country full of christians pissed off at a country full of muslims, who are pissed off with the christians

-jesus christ never told anyone to build a belief system off of him.

-the higher powers in the church or any belief tell the followers whatever they want them to think, they tell you what is right, they tell you what is wrong. they are as corrupt as polititions (can anyone say child molestation)

-when some one insults your religion, do you stick up for it?
no, its a belief system, their ideas, and usually not yours. most of the time the religions, morals, and beliefs you stick up for are not even your own, their someone else's, and that person got them into your head.

-fuck religion, get your own beliefs, if religion was so great, it wouldn't cause half the worlds wars,because religion is just another word for control, control over you, control over the masses

fuck religion, its better off dead, (theocide)

if you think religion should no longer exist repost as "jesus christ"
__________________________________________________
And this was my reply:

So where exactly did that made up 'statistic' come from? You really think 98% of American teenagers have a religion? or aren't too scared to admit it to anyone? Also, do some research, Nazi Germany wasn't Christian, and Jews were exterminated because of their race, not religion. Converted Jews didn't escape gas chambers, they were persecuted for not being Aryan Germans.
I won't argue that holy wars tend to be the most bloody, or that some church officials can be corrupt, but that doesn't make the -religions- the bad element. most religions are based on principles on leading lives based on these principles - look at what Christ taught; love and respect and forgiveness and kindness. Other than the select few who take things wrong or too far, who is to say someone who believes in Christ is 'mind controlled' or any less deserving of respect than anyone else? Religion itself isn't to blame, religion is often a beautiful thing. Don't let the violent and ignorant (who would be violent and ignorant no matter if they were religious or not) condemn something that helps so many people and generally has decent ideas on its own.

My 100th post - and it will be super angsty as to not disappoint.

So Thursday was in many ways one of the most surreal days of my life - I pretty much lost it, I was crying from the time I woke up to the time I was halfway through Spanish class. I couldnt really describe why, but it was really just everything and anything, from missing my friends to my psych IA..... pretty much the only things I -wasn't- crying about were Ian and people from LEP, they're the only stable things I have going..... then once i gathered myself, i went home and ran about 7 miles round trip, then threw up (don't run 7 miles) and then went to a Taking Back Sunday concert and hugged Adam Lazarra. So polar opposites- totally depressed to totally totally elated. So bizarre. and now I'm really really sore from the run. but thats unrelated.

and as it should be, my one hundreth post is marked with a 15.

1. Do I seriously need to schedule time with you?
2. You're sneaky, if I didn't already know I wouldn't know..... If that makes sense.
3. You're way nicer than usual - is there something you want?
4. It's getting to be like old times just in time for things to end. Ew.
5. Lawnchairs and Down Vests. Freaking Down vests. That sounds like a FOB album.
6. I'm just as scared as you are.
7. Let's do it.
8. I'm really glad you feel the same way.
9. I'm there.
10. You're hot. Oh man.
11. I miss you, and
12. I hope this helps.
13. Just wait a bit.
14. I need it to be July 22.
15. I still need it to be July 22.

Curse of Choice as Inspired by Chuck Klosterman IV

Everyone in our generation inherently believes they aren't as happy as everyone used to be. We have this big conception that we are all alone and alienated where people used to be, what, buddies with everyone in our town? Our parents didn't grow up in Mayberry, they didn't waltz down to Floyd the Barber's and get their hair cut by a guy that's known them since they were born, and we know that if we think about it. But for some reason, we still have this idea that our generation is so much different. We're the 'ipod generation,' aren't we? But look at what titles other eras have earned for its youth - World War I's Lost Generation, The Greatest Generation of World War II, the Beats of the fifties, Generation X. They all shared something really huge - what we share is a three inch long piece of hardware that we plug into... But really, we aren't crazy. We are missing something that our parents and the generations before them had. We are missing a collective culture. It's really the paradox of choice, we have so many alternatives that its actually keeping us from having anything in common with anyone else. (now entering a direct quote from the aforementioned title) We want the maximum number of alternatives; in the short term, choice improves our lives, and we're completely aware of that. The problematic rub is that - over time - choice isolates us. We have fewer shared experiences, and that makes us feel alone. The proliferation of choice makes us feel vaguely alienated, and that makes us depressed. But this relationship is not something we're conscious of, because it seems crazy to attribute loneliness to freedom. We just think we're inexplicably less happy than we should be. (this is me again) For example, if you are out browsing Barnes and Noble and the fellow next to you picks up a Bell Orchestre CD and you say 'hey, that's my favorite eleven-piece prog instrumental album ever!,' your chances of getting the number of said browser increase a good forty percent. If your new lab partner off-handedly quotes a line from Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, you will immediately like this girl more. If at lunch you hear a group of sophomores discussing how cool Chip and Dale Rescue Rangers was when we were little, you will question the supposed inferiority of said underclassmen and even join in, adding how there is no way 'Jake Long: American Dragon' could ever compare to the most ridiculous episode of 'Ducktales.' That's not the purpose of art and culture (i can't believe I just called Ducktales culture...) but it's probably the biggest social benefit; these shared expreiences are how we connect with other people, and it's how we understand our own identity. However, all of the examples I mentioned are specific and personal; they are only pockets of shared existance. They are things individual people choose to understand, and finding others who understand them equally are products of coincidence. But our parents didn't have this problem. Everyone knew who the Beatles were, everyone knew who Johnny Carson was. They were things everybody understood, even if they didn't try. Which is why we may never have another Johnny Carson. When given the choice, we'd all rather be happy now... even if that guarantees we'll all be sad later.

Old Habits Die Hard...

1. It's not an ideal situation, but I'm really excited for where it'll end up. You're going to be really happy. You deserve it.
2. The only place worse than where you used to be is where you are now. And I can't think of anyone who deserves it less.
3. I used to want to be you. Now I can't sleep because I am.
4. You aren't going to notice (I wouldn't either, it's not something you think about then) so she's going to have to tell you. Take her seriously, and try to understand. You will, I'm not worried.
5. I'm scared, but you're worth it.
6. You haven't done anything wrong. / I know you too well to mistake caution for animosity.
7. Are you okay? I actually do care, even if that seems weird.
8. I know you wanted it too, even though it was just a little. I can read you like Hooked on Phonics.
9. Why didn't you practice more? That was kind of embarrassing.
10. If it's any consolation (and I know it's not) I kind of hate myself for it, and I feel almost as guilty as I do happy.
11. In some ways, I trust you more than anyone.
12. I disappoint you. I didn't used to. I even disappoint myself now.
13. I'm not cut out for this.
14. It's time. You don't need it anymore. But I understand that for a long time you did.
15. How dare you. Seriously.

the other night...

okay so i realize the four of you who read this have pretty much all heard me beat this subject like the dead horse it is, but i really don't think my blog can go entirely without mention of the events of thursday night.
clearly, we didn't do anything wrong. but what i don't like is how disappointed i was that we couldn't, or that it wouldve been wrong in the first place. it just means i am not over this like i thought i was, and that he isn't anywhere close either. the whole time, it felt like every other time we've had serious talks late at night in dark, enclosed spaces with lots of people around. think about it, that is the exact circumstance for things starting for us 2/3 of the time, and then add thursday. but the glaring difference this time wasn't that (for once) we didn't want to be with each other, (we did,) it was just that we couldn't under any further existing circumstances. even if not for the existance of a certain curly haired obstacle i shant name, its just out of the question anymore. which is entirely my fault, i can see my own weaknesses pretty easily. i can't be trusted anymore.
but overall, what i regret isn't even close to that we couldn't do what we thought we wanted to thursday, its that we are incapable of not wanting it. what is it about us that makes it so we can never be happy at the same time? we'll never be together properly, we'll never-ever be 'just friends,' and i don't want him out of my life entirely, which is the only way i seriously think we'll ever move on from all this. this has dominated the last 14 months of my life, and only for 5 months out of all of them were we actually ever happy... and i don't even know if thats true for myself. more accurately i must be at 3. 11 of the last 14 months we've been in a needlessly complicated and humiliatingly dramatic limbo, and i just wish we didn't have to act like this. we can't be happy where we are... and if either of us ever tries, it is just the other one's nature to be secretly crushed about it. we can't help it. we are chickens with our heads cut off, nigh incapable of funtioning.

but at least we remain morally-concious chickens.

You're just playing dirty now.

TOK?
Seriously?
T. O. K.
T as in turtle?
And you made it sound like that??

Le sigh...

----How---- am I supposed to choose?


This was -so- not an issue a week ago.



I sound like a morose intellectual. *_*

Emo Blog.......

Worst day ever.
-First day ever driving to school. I was so shitty at getting into the parking lot (NEVER USE THE KIPLING TURN IN) a guy actually GOT OUT OF HIS CAR to yell at me.
-Five minutes late to my first final.
-Found out I failed a take home test that I RIDICULOUSLY cheated on.
-Proceeded to fail math final.
-History FRQ final. Not that hard, but still really stressful.
-Started my period unexpectedly (sorry, boy reader(s) ((wait, not (s))
-Got stuck at the bottom of my driveway (the only unshoveled one in the street, I may add)
-Shoveled said driveway for 45 minutes to no avail.
-Saddle Creek (Bright eyes store) sent me the same box of stuff twice (not really a big problem as they didn't even charge me for the second box, but now I'll prolly have to ship it back to Nebraska.)
-My Bio and Math grades will be C's.
-My English teacher is trying to give me a B. In ENGLISH.

Emo.

Quite a way to end the vacation -

Fall out boy concert tonight.
Great show.
Great company (i recommend seeing shows with ian!)
they didn't come out, but it was like 20 degrees, so its okay.
ow.
sore.
that means it -had- to be good.

___

'if we weren't on the phone, i would know, because you close your eyes and nod.'
'i do not do that.'
'yes, or else you smile and blink twice. [pause] see, you just did it.'
[i did] 'huh... i did. how did you know that?'
'i just know you. i am extremely fluent in kayla.'

NO laughing at me. Laughing will earn you a swift kick to the teeth. (THIS MEANS YOU, EMMA)

They -cancelled- The OC.
I loved that freaking show.
Only 6 more episodes ever.
*die*

Hey, There, 2007

First blog of this year... The last night of 2006 was no bueno, that is -after- I left alli's, as she is amazing. But my new year's kiss was pretty much my dog. sooo yeah. Way to be lame, New Year's Eve, 2006.

But, on the other hand, I was able to go see my fantastic friends twice this weekend, something that wouldn't have ever happened if I didn't have...

MY LISCENCE!!!

yes. yes a lot.

This break isn't the best I've ever had, but not even close to the worst. I'd be looking forward to school a lot more if I didn't have a math and history final the first day back.

And my poor cello, soo neglected. It really shouldn't be, either.

It's really weird, I remember waking up crying sometime last night over some dream. I can't for the life of me remember what it was. Something was being taken away from me. Not a person... Oh well. I wonder why people are able to start crying in their sleep? It's really fascinating to me. Can you wake yourself up laughing? I don't think I ever have... But then again, maybe laughing is just a lot less memorable.

The 15's are getting me in trouble. I'm going to back off those.

RRRRRRRRSHHHHHRSSSZZHHSSHHHHHHSSSSSSZZZZZZRRRR
the noise of my vacuum. That word -totally- has two u's. That is the best.

I spent the last hour looking back over all my blogs. Man, this summer... the most action-packed time of my last three years. I'd like to live it again, everything was... right. And interesting, at the same time.

Hey, 2007, try to be like that, okay?