I'm a COPYCAT, big and shameless (see miss emma's page)

1. That we don't even care as restless as we are, we feel the pull in the land of a thousand guilts and poured cement.
2. See, sometimes when you get that taste of wanting things, You only want for yourself. If you ask me, that's where it gets dangerous.
3. And all you see is where else you could be when you’re at home.
4. Aint it just like the night to play tricks when you’re trying to be so quiet?
5. 'Cause what is simple in the moonlight, By the morning never is.
6. The fragile keep secrets gathered in pockets. And they will sell them for nothing - a cheap watch or locket - that kind of gold washes off
7. This house, it holds nothing but the memories.
8. is this real, or is it just the way we communicate?
9. Go ahead as you waste your days with thinking
10. Well I’m not a child. No I am much younger than that
11. And now, I'm confused. Is this death really you?
12. I’m nothing without their love.

I love IM

Zimgirl16 [10:44 P.M.]: half of me was hoping you'd be like, 'oh yeah, just start taking a couple ginsing supplements a day, that gets rid of all unwanted romantic feelings in a week flat'

________________________________

SedatedTimeBomb [11:10 P.M.]: Well, think about it! You sit around waiting for the call, and next thing you know, you're 30 working a dead end job with nothing but contempt for life. And then there's the ginsing. Without that, you'd be... un ginsinged.
________________________________

AMS booboo [10:25 P.M.]: i think it has snowed enough...Zimgirl16 [10:25 P.M.]: ha, totally Zimgirl16 [10:27 P.M.]: ill go outside and go, 'alright, thank you, snow, youve been great, but we're going a different direction that doesnt involve staring at your white ass for the next week, so, someone will be with you shortly to collect your nametag. (it says big huge jerk on it, btw)
_________________________________

I Only Put This Here Because It Makes a REALLY Cool Playlist

IF YOUR LIFE WAS A MOVIE, WHAT WOULD THE SOUNDTRACK BE?
-Open iTunes-Shuffle-Play-For every question, type the song that's playing-When you go to a new question, press the next button

Opening Credits: Old Flame - Arcade Fire

Waking Up: Season - The Academy Is..... (funny, the first words are 'wake up think fast')

First Day At School: I'm not okay - My Chemical Romance

Making Your New Best Friend: Dammit - Blink 182

Falling In Love: Sleeping In - The Postal Service

Breaking Up: Ionizes and Atomizes - Modest Mouse

Prom: Absolutely Sweet Marie - Bob Dylan

Graduation: Feeling This - Blink 182

Life's Okay: July, July! - The Decemberists

Death of a Close Friend: Lost and Found - Senses Fail

Driving: Spitting Games - Snow Patrol

Flashback: Ocean Avenue - Yellowcard

Getting Back Together: Lover's Spit - Broken Social Scene

Birth of Child: Baby Body - Youth Group (ha, how funny)

Wedding Scene: Here in Your Arms - Hellogoodbye

Car Accident: Crazy Mary - Pearl Jam

Final Battle: Take Back - Green Day

Death Scene: Recording a Tunnel (The Horns Play Underneath the Canal) - Bell Orchestre

Funeral Song: Candlelight - Imogen Heap

End Credits: Smile Like You Mean It - The Killers

Pachelbel Rant

This is the plight of EVERY CELLIST!

Letters From LEP - 4 months later

This is the letter I wrote to myself four months ago while having the time of my life at LEP, which was delivered to me today. I really, really needed it. I like remembering that at one point, I had confidence and felt worth it.

Hey Stranger,
Four months ago, you were having a great time. You may now be reaching the winter doldrums, but I hope this letter cheers you up if that's the case. I usually tell you about me, but it is so intruiguing that I know nothing about you. How is IB? The orchestra? Did Beauty and the Beast go beautifully? Do you have a boyfriend? Is he someone I know? What about for the rest of school?
Have you called everyone from LEP? Okay, if you haven't, drop this letter right now, this instant. Call Corynn and go to a concert. Go climb something with Maddy and Paul. For God's sake, have a sleepover!
Are the movies done? Does everyone have one?
What are you listening to? Right now its Fall Out Boy. Yesterday, all Death Cab.
At LEP you are open. You communicate. You are funny. You like Amanda( does she have braces? I hope not.....)
You fling sticky frisbees at the ceiling for hours.
You paint your nails every four days and dress quite excellently.
You are confident.
Are you?
You are your own limitation, you know.
Trust people. No matter where your friends are in the circle, someone will always be there to catch you.
You've eaten Rocky Mountain Oysters.
Don't fret. You're a pretty cool kid, no matter how your current situation may be making you feel. I hope you believe in me as much as I believe in you.

<3
Kayla

I know, I know, sue me why don't you.

1. I am so beyond happy for you, and I am SO beating up anyone that says otherwise! (NOT ALLOWED)
2. Our conclusions suck.
3. Damn you, finals. (not belonging here but still)
4. You seem to be way more like me than i thought previously. Neat! It makes you much more accessible.
5. You had better do things right this time. You're doing really well to start, keep up the good work.
6. Why won't you ever come with us?
7. $30 is a stupid price, stupid.
8. Why did you do that? I know why. And I wasn't lying at all last night. I wish things were different. I would change it if i could go back.
9. Don't show seniors such sad movies! You broke them all.
10. You two crack me up. Why all the defensive? I think you got a wrong memo that said I was a bit cooler (and more vulnerable) than you think, though.
11. To one of you two - I see where you got the idea, but I don't know what makes it so you think i need a talking to.
12. Why would anyone ever be mad at you?
13. YOURE WEARING A CAPE!!!!! A CAPE!!!!! there, i said it.
14. Don't get blown up.
15. You'll get there. But i think i know when and you won't like it.

I am so cool. I get a cookie.

<3!

Let's see that poker face, now.

When I say these things, I need to be less thinly-veiled. On both fronts, I just need to accept them. I wonder if it they have something in common. Maybe I'm just jealous of anyone/everyone. I don't really believe that. But then again, I don't really believe what he wrote, and I don't believe anything about the other one either, so maybe I'm just even more near-sighted than I thought. (Or i should say far sighted, but in the wrong direction.)

#80

So maybe missing Dateapalooza Extravaganza was a stroke of luck....
And Ian is so totally a liarface.
So is Emma/Alexia.

Atrophy is for quitters

At home all night this fine, chilly Saturday evening.
I would've made it to the master class, I swear! If only it were in 20 days from now - Liberation.
I wonder how Dateapalooza Extravaganza went.....
__________________________________________

Funny how things cycle, always on the same rhythm with me... Come December, I get despondent and bored with my life, usually wondering why I even bother with most of it. I can't ever remember when this stupid phase ends, but until it does I usually just stay in a limbo with whats going on in my life or try to return to old ones.

Like for example, (and I hate that whenever I write it turns into this but what the hell) I know I'm ready to move on from what's happened this first half of the year, but the problem is that kind of takes two, if you will, and its that second part that I'm always so incapable at. A few days ago I had resigned myself to just floating through the next half of the year and just letting that part atrophy; but that is very much not my style. Especially with things like the dateapalooza extravaganza going on....

So there IS hope....

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/15952309/page/1

Ramblings of a Tuesday Evening

Right now I am one of the maybe 5 kids in the IB Junior class who aren't at Joel Jolly's standup show. Makes you feel special to know that 'the place to be' is right where you aren't. I need to make friends with more juniors, anyway.

All the speakers in my house are useless. Bose iPod deck, I'll see you when I have $400 to blow on you!

One sec, I'm going to go find another keyboard, this one's k, comma, and period keys don't ever work.

I'm so glad we have a break. I need a break from having to, you know, make human contact. I confuse myself as a pasttime. It's a good thing no one person is clued in to all my swings all the time or else they'd have me committed. Or consider me the least genuine person in existance and decide not to ever take me seriously again. I don't know what does it to me. Why is it that I can be so utterly convinced of something to the point that I'm willing to act on any stupid impulse, and then the next day completely abandon that train of thought/emotion and just move on to the next ridiculousness? How do I even know for myself whats real and whats just my usual brand of overboard dramatics? I should consider a consultant panel. They'll be all business people like, dressing in suits and all with breifcases and blackberries and the like, and when I'm being an idiot they will tell me so. But they have to start every sentence with 'the board advises..." Like, " The board advises you do not declare a smackdown with your ex's current, as it is possible ensuing eye-poking will be frowned upon by the investors (everybody you know)" or even better, "the board advises you do not join freaking WINTER GUARD, as you will look ridiculous in spandex, but not as ridiculous as the somewhat unpleasant girls with whom you will make your association. The investors will abandon ship."

I'm to the state of mind where the idea of vampires (no joke) gave me a serious existential crisis. I was sitting there watching Liz read her cheesy vampire romance novel (at least I'm not to this point) and the last line was 'Life can be a blast, even if you're dead." and I'm sitting there freaking out over what the author considered to be dead, because if he is having such a good time among living things he must be functioning and living in the living world and yeah pretty much i caught myself around there with a WTF ARE YOU DOING moment and returned to my bio lab.

Just another example of my scattered brainededness. Thus with my note to myself a few blogs ago, I really need to get my priorities straight because this is INDEED getting ridiculous.

On another note.....

A G sharp.

A terrible note, don't you think? Whether it is indeed a G sharp or an A flat, it still means its in a key I suck at.

A better note:

E natural.

Harris has yet to post our chairs. I want to be above Ruth. And Leah, I may as well come out and say it.

There is a bulletin board in the hallway at school that has this inequality:
3x>or= -7
I solve it every day.
x>or= -7/3

Emma is going to be in Seattle for 5 days. I think I should've gone with her, then we could look at prospective colleges, twould be awesome. Also, there is a Decemberists show up there this week. I wonder if she'll see it?

Dr. Zhivago sucks monkey face.

These are like the only kind i do now.

1. Guys, you are amazing. Its awesome to know musicians *and actors* will truly go down with their (abnormally beautiful, I may add) ship
2. More and more people are suggesting what I've already been considering. What's the deal?
3. Its okay to quit if you really hate them that much.
4. Thanks for the talk! I miss those.
5. Don't get me wrong, I am beyond happy for you! But that little twinge of possesiveness gets bigger and bigger each day. Sorry bout that.
6. You were totally right today.
7. You get niftier every time I talk to you!
8. Will you go to prom with me?
9. A girl with that many backups is so bound to be the first choice of a big bunch.
10. Why are you being so dumb? Don't you know there isn't anyone on Earth luckier than you right now?
11. Seeing you today basically broke my heart. I've been there and nothing can feel as terrible. I just wish I could offer you my help, whatever I have to give.
12. I really really want to impress you. I just wish I could do it tomorrow.
13. I SO called it, but instead of making me smug it pisses me off that you are so easy to read.
14. You shouldn't trust me so much.
15. You are a stranger. How did this happen? Is it good or bad? If it is good, than the powers of good are assholes.

Do-over!

1. Oh God, are you going to be like Lindsey?
2. You really need to get your priorities straight. This is getting ridiculous.
3. It's really too bad I'm so damn shallow
4. I don't know if I'm going to be able to forgive myself for failing you.
5. She would be amazing for you. You both deserve it.
6. I have never been so hurt by anyone I trusted so much. What exactly made you do it?
7. What you do doesn't really bother me at all - why is that?
8. I really want you to have senior pictures! Like, to a creepy extent.
9. I'm cured, I promise. But I'll still wince when you do that. (That goes for both of you)
10. We are both SOO much better than you! WTF?
11. 57 days and I have to deal with you a lot less.
12. Your planner is ridiculous. (Doesn't really belong in here, but you left it open on the desk)
13. Are you -trying- to terrify me like this? And why the hell are you talking to her?
14. Even if you think you're God, you still have really really pretty eyes..
15. I don't know how you feel about it, but it doesn't seem like it'd be the worst thing. It would sure be appreciated.

So I get home tonight

my cats are gone.

turns out since the landlord was coming over and we arent technically supposed to have cats, my mother's answer to that was to give them away to a barn in Northglenn.

What a caring woman.

Are you serious? That can't be right at all.

Aaaaaah..........

I think I missed 'The Office' a liiiiiitle -too- much.

Once in a While, Bulletins Aren't a Complete Waste of Time

Instructions:
Write fifteen statements,
Intended to different people.
Never tell which one is to who.
Things you've always wanted to tell people:

1. You are better than how they make you act.
2. You are going to be an artist and I hope you remember me then.
3. Sometimes I'm afraid you think I'm a child.
4. You aren't balancing yourself at all and that is why you are getting pushed out.
5. You deserve the world, which is why you've had nothing yet.
6. You are one of my best friends and I'm afraid you'll disappear soon. I won't be able to handle that when it has to happen, let alone now.
7. I'm trying, but I'm worried I shouldn't have to be.
8. If you had stayed with us, you wouldn't have lost yourself.
9. You'd be such a great friend if you let yourself be.
10. You aren't overlooked.
11. I wish I had known and been there for you, but I don't know what I would've said.
12. I never expected us to be friends but our friendship is one of the most important and amazing I've ever had.
13. You shouldn't act like you are smarter than us, because you aren't, really.
14. I miss you so much, even though I know I shouldn't as much as I do.
15. I really really want you to like me and I want to be closer.

My subconscious is a bitch.

I don't know why I have to make things so difficult for myself. I'm just tired of having all these things in the future that I just have to accept. Last night as I was kinda falling asleep I had a really realistic dream that it was the last day of school this year that the seniors were going to be at school, and I had to say goodbye to everyone - Ian, Torsten, Lauren, Morgan, Cacia and Sam were walking by my locker to leave the building, and while saying goodbye to them in my dream I started crying so much that I actually woke myself up crying. And when I fell asleep again, the same thing happened, only with -everyone- while I'm playing at their graduation. And I know that I have to actually accept that they are going to move on and that I am not going with them. But that isn't stopping me from being so damn childish. Simply ignoring the fact is the only way I can stop myself from going insane over it, because I sure as hell can't accept it like an adult, or God forbid be excited for them. I am very selfish and I want nothing more than for them to stay with me, because I can't handle losing them.

Even areas in my life that don't have real problems aren't safe from my subconcious. I'll invent problems, pretend old ones are still current (which is the worse of the two) in any area where I'm actually happy. Happy? Simple? Those most certainly aren't allowed for Kaylas...

Ugh. more later maybe.

So I'm basically in love

It says so very little for our generation..........

that switching the check box in your myspace profile from 'single' to 'in a relationship' can be a momentous occasion...

I am no longer a Target team member

I couldn't be crazy enough to miss it.

Except for the post-its.


Most commonly heard phrases at Target:

We need all closing team members to recieving for tonight's huddle............Our safety topic for tonight is Don't disembowel yourself with the shiny box-cutter.........LOD?--Go for LOD--What's your location?--Back of G13--Can I go on break?.............(in an annoying sing song from the elec. department)-"Nothings gonna change the shape of things!!", "Cinderelley Cinderelley -Coming soon to DVD-" "Karmakarmakarmakarmakarma chameeeeleooonn"...............We need those zones completed by 9:30..................Inventory is September 9th, complete zoooones............. _______, (what ever department I'm in) you have 4326 full carts of abandons...............Pulls for H+b, sporting goods, grocery................Make sure to get those Target red card out, we're only at 98.999% for this year.................LOD Sean, how are sales today?..................CAN I HELP YOU FIND SOMETHING???????

Like I said, couldn't be crazy enough to miss it.

Hope is Emo

AND I LOVE HER!!!

Go here and be quite, quite amused.

http://www.hopeisemo.com

The Last Days of Target are Amusing...

So I have a total of 5 hours and 45 minutes left to work at the fine establishment. This makes me happy. But this feeling of 'they can't fire me because I've already quit' has led to events that also make me quite amused. For example:I was left alone guarding the electronics boat for a half hour, and I was also left with a sticky note pad and a black magic marker.ooooh.So I commenced to label 21 items in the boat, including:

-the cash register (Money!)
-the floor
-the fancy electronic map thing (fancy!)
-the scanner gun (zap!)
-the phone-
the phone charger (this feeds the phone!)
-the electric outlet (this feeds everything else!)
-a receipt with my friend chris' name on it (This is chris' name!)
-the credit card reader (this is where fake money goes!)
-the schedule (schedule!)
-a floaty dandelion thing which i taped to the desk so it wouldn't escape
-the printer
-the reciept printer (proof they bought stuff!)
-the memory cards
-the batteries
-the calculator
-the box of bags (bags live here!)
-a sticky note (yes, i labeled a sticky note with a sticky note)
-the alarm disarm (this makes very loud beeps go away! good to know!)
- An arrow pointing to the toys section (this is where kayla is supposed to work!)

Yeah, I was amused. But Jacob was quite lame and took them all down after he resumed his post. But I believe they still all reside in the drawer, so they may go back out in my last hour....

INTRUDER ALERT!

So Saturday night, I fell asleep on the couch watching SNL with my sister. I kept vaguely hearing that my cats were yowling (sounding like some human with a stuffy nose is going 'YAAAAOOO') knocking things over like cereal boxes and what sounded like heavy metal things, but as much as this signifyed bad news, I was much to sleepy to care. I finally sat bolt upright when I heard them screech and hiss, a VERY unpleasant sound and yelled CAAATS!!! which also woke up Amanda. She looked over the edge of the couch to the terrible sight of THIS INTRUDER:VIOLATING my poor kitty! So my sister yells, at 3:43 in the morning, "THERE IS A CAT WHO IS NOT OUR CAT IN OUR HOUSE VIOLATING A CAT WHO IS OUR CAT IN OUR HOUSE."
I run to my mom's room and repeat the same, and we both run out in time to see the fiend run out the back door, which he had OPENED. No joke, I closed the door myself before going to bed, and he runs out a 7 inch gap. He wouldn't leave, either! He just layed there on the porch waiting for us to go away so he could break in again and probably violate poor Paris as well.
Jerk.
So, I'll probably have about 6 or 7 kittens to give away this winter, if anyone is looking...

Los Conciertos

In this tiny, tiny picture, you will see the MOST AWESOME MOMENT EVER. In the larger, you will see 4 reflected. Oh man, you've gotta love the Fillmore. I have yet to be disappointed on an autograph quest at this venue. So for all of mis amigas who seem oh so skeptical that we shall succeed... you are quite silly! The concert itself was -quite- amazing, although due to my lack of sleep / fluids i was a spot ill. They made it SO worth it though. For all of you who, like me, skipped Transatlanticism (the song) halfway through because it is quite long, you must see it live. It makes so much sense live. So beautiful. Not to mention, all of the guys in Death Cab are every bit as nice as I had hoped. Brandon Urie, lead of Panic! at the Disco, was way rockstar and kinda like 'yes, i am fantastic, smolder in the presence of my beauty.' (which i really had no objection to, as the beauty to be smoldering in was quite plentiful.) But not Death Cab at all. Chris Walla was the nicest person ever to be in the position to sign autographs. I told him I loved his producing work with The Decemberists (quite true) and he goes 'yeah, I love working with them. I actually got the Master for the new album yesterday, It's really amazing, I'm excited.' oh em gee a lot. Oh, and Ben Gibbard totally got flustered by emma and i's beauty. Don't believe me? hehe... well, when he was signing I said 'I'm kayla,' and he replies 'hi ben I'm kayla,' to which i said 'what a coincidence, me too,' and then he corrected but HA! lol, good times. Good times that were only a few hours after... :




HARRY AND THE POTTERS!!!! lol, they were SOOOO hilarious. The opening band, Draco and the Malfoys, equally if not moreso hilarious, and it seems they may actually know how to play. I highly regret not buying the 'this guitar is a horcrux' tshirt, and even moreso the 'harry and the potters fight evil... and toothdecay' printed toothbrushes. But they shall be ordered, oh yes they shall. I want to wrap this up but just know:

ALL SHOWS = AMAZING.

LEP.....

I can't believe it's over.
The last two weeks went by without me even taking the time to notice that the days were actually passing.
Getting home, everything seems to be in the exact state I left it in, at home it feels like I never left at all. A perfect way to describe it would be to say it feels like the last two weeks at LEP were part of an alternate reality, one so much better than the one in which I sleep until noon, check myspace, and go days and days at a time without being around anyone. The LEP universe is perfect. I want that one to continue. In that one, the days are long, we waste very little time sleeping. Or relaxing in any way, it would seem. Every moment, you are surrounded by two dozen people who surpass the term 'friend.' They are all the loves of your life, and the joy in seeing them reappear every time you open your eyes from blinking is what makes LEP the best place in my life. We talked about the gifts we would give if we could give everyone one thing, and Travis said he would make it so everyone always felt the love they do at LEP. I think it was Jay who said he wanted everyone to lose their shells, inhibitions, to gain that level of trust and enlightenment you experience every moment there. I want to be able to give true appreciations to anyone, that is to thank them sincerely for something they did that touched you or helped you become the best version of yourself without that person feeling awkward at all. I want to be able to do the hot seat with my friends, a game in which one person sits in the middle of a circle of 6 or so, and has to be absolutely silent while the others compliment you and sing your praises for 3 straight minutes. If someone were to start Jill's activity, where two lines of people line up facing eachother with their arms out and someone runs and dives into the line to be caught and passed down, could you trust everyone you know in real life to catch you?
To always be with the people you love, to never have the opportunity to be lonely, to be loved and acknowledged every minute of every day, that is the gift LEP gives you.
If only it could be real for more than one twenty-sixth of the year.

It Was a Good Night

The Dresden Dolls : Good
The Hush Sound: Quite Good
The Dolls and Brendan from Panic covering 'Hit Me Baby One More Time: Way good, suprisingly
Panic's stage set (Windmill, moon, light up band logo, cellist sits in a tree) : So good
Panic's whole show in general: Freaking Good
.
Getting Brendan's AUTOGRAPH by the tour buses: Fantastically Good
.
Getting on the PANIC LIVE AT THE FILLMORE DVD at the signing: Too Good.

It was a good night.

Seperation Anxiety before the Seperation Part.

How am I gonna deal when I'm actually gone???

You are all so lovely.

so now this site has an unwanted reader (sorry fellow, i know you read this, but I'm saying it anyway and there's not a whole lot you can do about that.) that is very, very unwanted as this one is very very scary.

He used to leave little love letters for my little sister last summer. That scared her a bit.
But know I learn he found out our full address, all home and cell numbers, liscence plates, my mom's full name. And found us both on myspace. He asked to be my friend, then started IMing me tonight. Thus being really really obsessive and fanatical about me not leaving the conversation when I informed him he was doing something creepy (for example, saying he missed me while I did not message him, which was always, or saying we were best friends)

Sorry again to the guy this is about. Frankly I am kinda afraid of pissing you off since you know every detail about my home and way too many more than that. But I'm guessing since you still want me to not be afraid of you and possibly speak to you again (against my gut feeling,) You won't violate any of these ground rules:
1. NEVER EVER come to my house again. Under any circumstance.
2. No calling.
3. No commenting on my blogs.
4. Don't span off of here and start reading my friends' personal blogs. Its bad enough you did mine without permission. Although this is a public site (and has thusly been read without my knowledge before, although that is completely different since I completely trust the people who had) that is not how it is used.
5. You may contact me on IM or myspace only, and this is only so I know you aren't violating the rules.

I would move my blog and IM address, but that is 1. very hassling and 2. the kid would find it again.

I'm very sorry, friends who read this, if he comes on your sites. I really don't know what to do here, but for the time being I'm just leaving this for the kid to read.

Oh, and although this post is far more dramatic and interesting, I posted 2 other new things tonight. Just so you know.

Toodle-pip.

I don't know about that character.

Kayla Martin Kayla Martin Kayla Martin Kayla Martin Kayla Martin Kayla Martin Kayla Martin Kayla Martin Kayla Martin Kayla Martin Kayla Martin Kayla Martin Kayla Martin Kayla Martin Kayla Martin Kayla Martin Kayla Martin Kayla Martin Kayla Martin Kayla Martin Kayla Martin Kayla Martin Kayla Martin Kayla Martin Kayla Martin Kayla Martin Kayla Martin Kayla Martin Kayla Martin Kayla Martin Kayla Martin Kayla Martin Kayla Martin Kayla Martin Kayla Martin Kayla Martin Kayla Martin Kayla Martin Kayla Martin Kayla Martin

Don't You Think So?

Dawn means so much more when you are seeing it from the wrong side.

If you are getting up with the sun, its standard.

It sneaks up on you when you've stayed up all night.

I've Been Sleeping so Strange at Night, Side Effects They Don't Advertise

(jeez, between the title of this site and this particular blog I think I may overload my server with Bright Eyes quotes...)

anyway.

This marks the first time in almost exactly a month that I have been online, due to a severe shortage of bill paying skills on my parents' end. That sucked.

BUT

I'm back now, and didn't everyone just miss my ramblings ever so much?
Of course you did.
ha.

The last two days in a row I have slept through most of the daylight hours. Yesterday was understandable, because we all got only three hours of sleep (except Cacia, who got less) But today, I had a nice and complete nine hours last night and still proceeded to sleep from noon to now, about 4:15 in the afternoon. Sleeping schedule = jacked up, which is especially bad since LEP starts on sunday and sleeping schedule there = get up at 6.

Thus the angst-a-riffic bright eyes lyric title.

Time to GLOAT (sorry)

So AP test results came in the mail on Thursday.

I took US History in May...

And, lo and behold...

I GOT A FREAKING FIVE!!!!!!

555555555

yay.

a lot.

Talking is sometimes a good thing. Really.

So I've had THE very MOST bizarre, eventful, and confrontational night in just about ever.
I seriously thought things would never actually come around for me to face head on, let alone in the very very fast way they did.
But it really really ended up being for the better.
Although I am still quite concerned how things will end up on one side, knowing that two of the three are resting peacefully for the first time is really quite lovely. How did I ever know that a good way to put your problems behind you is to ACTUALLY ADDRESS THEM? I lose there, but at least you, my friend, did the addressing for me. And now that they're actually addressed, those problems really don't seem so problematic anymore.
Thank you loads again, even though I said it a million times already!
And I'm off to crash. I don't often stay up until 4am... unless there are special circumstances. Which, eh, I can confidently say tonight counts as one of those.

So, As Far As The Last Six Months Go...

I give up.
I'm officially done.
He won't talk to me, won't answer my messages, god forbid ever even acknowledge my freaking presence when I actually CAN get his attention.
The last time I saw him it felt like he was trying to get away as fast as possible. Ironically enough, if it weren't for her he probably wouldn't have even turned around when I wanted to say goodbye to him.
Hell yeah, I miss him. But its starting to be hard to remember why.
I don't know... maybe he's always been like this and I didn't want to see it. I always blamed it on her, but if it WASNT for her, he would've taken off without so much as a 'see ya next fall' after graduation. I have already totally accepted there's nothing i could ever do about her. I even started liking her again. After all, I liked her an awful lot before all of this, and I shouldn't hold it against her that she went after what she wanted and got it. I had my shot.
So I'm cool with the fact that I'm not ever going to be with him. But then if we're friends, you still don't ignore friends' messages and calls and tell them you probably won't see them all summer and you DEFINETLY don't FORGET THEM AT SCHOOL WHEN YOU HAVE INVITED THEM SOMEWHERE!!!!
I wish I could outright ask him if he's been intentionally ignoring me and trying to stay away from me. I mean, we used to talk almost every night. I would like to know if I'm right about this. But what if I'm really wrong, and then he thinks that I feel like that. Or if I'm right. That's almost worse to know for sure. What if he says, "yeah, I've actually been meaning to tell you to back the hell off and stop irritating me." Talk about major devestation.
Why does this all have to be so damn complicated?
No clue.
So basically, for my efforts of the last six months, everything I've gone through over all of it.......
I quit.
Here's my notice.
I'm so done.

Summer, as Haley says, has a way of messing things up. It can make your brain turn off, leave you to your instincts... Summer knows a brain is the best way to confuse your heart. Under the stars with him, I rushed back to the way things were when they first began. That first connection was gone as quickly as it came, only to resurface at the unlikeliest of times. Everything I felt at first I felt now. The desire to be close to him was quelled by the fear that nothing would make sense after the stars were gone. So instead I decided to be a ghost in the moment instead of living in it. It was a photo album that I was already reminiscing over. The Past in the Present. I watched him in his reflection in the dark glass knowing I would remember that same reflection a hundred times more. I listened to his voice, knowing the words and stories that it formed would be the first thing to fade. Anything tangible would. But the voice, the reflection, the stars, the wind, my simultaneous love and disappointment will stay as that night.

In Honor of My 50th post......

Beautiful New Layout, and much better title, I think.

LIFE IS SHATTERED

Dani California Chords by Red Hot Chili Peppers,
www.Ultimate-Guitar.Com
Am G
Getting born in the state of Mississippi,
Dm Am
Her Poppa was a copper and her Momma was a hippy,

MARY JANE'S LAST DANCE (INDIANA GIRL)
Tom Petty
Am G
She grew up in an Indiana town
D Am
Had a good lookin' Mama who was never around

THE CHORDS ARE THE SAME even the lyrics are similar!!!AAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!
My life is shattered.
But look, Tom Petty uses a stupid D major chord, Chili Peppers use D minor... there's still hope.

Go here and frolic

Frolic amongst the likes of

Travis!
Nathan!
Lisa!
Jenny!
Nicole!
Scott!

All at Sub-Par productions!
http://subpar.atspace.com

I don't lose!

As was mentioned about a month or so ago, I auditioned for the Colorado Youth Symphony Orchestra. Twas v v hard and I pretty much thought I was just auditioning for the heck of it.

But lo, a letter cometh today...

I MADE THE TOP GROUP!!!

SOO excited. This group plays concerts with the CSO, travels (last year it was China!) and gives you a 1/2 off scholarship to DU.

BEST THING TO HAPPEN EVER?

quite possibly.

You are now in the company of...

The next very proud employee of your friendly neighborhood Target store!

hehe...

I rule.

Why I Love IB Kids

In history we have these blog things we have to answer, like FRQ questions that you give the introductory paragraph to. So the last one this year was compare the French and American Revoultions' similarities and differences. Here were some awesome replies.

DiDi:
The French revolutionaries made beef with Jesus and completely overhauled the calendar in an attempt to get rid of anything Church-related. American colonists decided to keep God on their side.

The French women stormed Versailles and killed two guards in order to demand justice from their king. American women stopped buying foreign hats for a while.

Birney:
1. There were no airplanes in either war
2. People died in both wars
3. Gorillas did not fight in either war
4. However, there was guerilla warfare in both wars
5. Both French and American people are able to bleed and both have weaknesses to bullets
6. Neither were tricked by the trojan horse
7. Both wars were fought on Earth
8. Zimbabwe did not contribute soldiers or supplies in either war

Ian Lausa:
3. the french bled french blood while they snacked merrily on french bagguettes. us americans...didn't.
2. both revolutions consisted of people who were all:
"lets get some freedoms up in this place."
"yeah!"
"and while we're at it, lets get some representation!"
"yeah!"
1. The king of France died when he lost.

Jacob:
the King himself got his royal head brutally chopped off. Ouch!

Kelsey Boyd:
5. The French Flag is red, white, and blue...funny story, SO IS THE AMERICAN ONE!!

There might be somebody new,

so make way for the next Scarlett O Hara.

As the Wise Red Hot Chili Peppers Say

The More I See, The Less I Know,
The More I've Got To Let It Go

i was so jealous of her...
is the only way for this to stop hurting really to stop caring?

Does he notice?

Or am I just kidding myself?

Whenever I stress out about whatever, when I have 3384732 different things giving me anxiety attacks, I find the best way to deal is to not think about any of it. I'm serious, ignoring yourself is a totally viable solution to plagues of the mind. Next time your head is filled with anxious thoughts, simply take note of it, thank your mind for trying to ensure your survival, and then act as if you just got a stock tip from a homeless person. Of course, ignoring fear messages no longer applies when you're in line at the post office and the guy behind you is hiding something beneath a large overcoat and audibly talking to God.

I haven't written a blog in a really long time, figured I may as well.

So we've hit that time of the year, where you can't absorb much more, whether it be school or social or whatever. Its the smile-and-nod time, just float through this one more day until you are that much closer to starting over.

This week, I have a high-stakes cello audition, find out the results of two very prominent finals, take the AP history test, and as if I didn't have enough to stress about I have an ultrasound test on thursday to see if this bump on my chest wants to kill me or not. And I can't draw conor oberst for the LIFE of me.

If I think about anything too hard I'm just going to get overwhelmed.

My sister is scrambling trying to write her speech to try to become the captain of her cheerleading squad. She got put on JV for the 2nd year in a row, and she's really disappointed about it. I'm not used to her not getting her way and it kinda pisses me off because i think SOMEONE in our family may as well, and if its not going to be the cheerleading beauty its not going to be anyone.

Her little friend I despise called her yesterday in complete hysterics because this boy she likes wouldn't talk to her on the phone because he was still sleeping from prom the night before. This girl was WAILING, whatever she said to my sister was totally undescernable. I couldn't stand it, but then I started to wonder if I'm not just like that. Here I was, thinking "How stupid of this girl to flip out so much over some guy - one that doesn't even like her." and I kinda realized, isn't that what I've been doing for the last three months? short of bawling on the phone to my best friend, I've still been pining away for basically the same thing as the crazed cheerleader. And though she may be more vocal about it, we are both equally pathetic.

That audition is totally plaguing me (sorry for the gear shift there.) Beginning this August, I will have been playing the cello for no less than a decade. And what do I have to show for it? Two thirds of my life I've spent with the potential to develop something that could carry me at least through college, and I only start caring about it in the eighth grade. I saw Rainer perform at the Solo and Ensemble competition, and i felt like crying. I'm guessing I just don't get that reaction when Alex and Jane play because they are fantastic people I love and Rainer is a bastard most of the time, but I can't think of any good excuse of why i shouldn't be that good after ten years. If I were to make this audition, I would get 1/2 tuition at DU. Thats saving me about $80000 dollars. If I could do it. I really can't. I'm just not good enough. I spent seven years being lazy and I'm paying for it now.

This ranks pretty high on my angsty ranty blogs. But if you read this (if anyone ever does,) it means you have already signed up for the 'friend' position in my life and its your job to pretend to care. So there. No more complaints out of you, mister.

Have you ever watched Supernanny? Its sad, Americans aren't even smart enough to raise their own children, we need the British to come and rescue us from the heathens.

I wrote a Grapes of Wrath essay about how children cause all the problems in the novel. My mom read it, and got mad at me because she thought I was a bad person and kid-hater. I don't hate kids, in fact I'm one of my only friends that actually plans on having any. My mom should learn there are OTHER factors that make me a bad person.

Saturday I went out to the Promenade with my sister, Lauren and Amanda's new boyfriend. I thought I had better scope him out to see if I approved. Turns out I don't have huge standards for her beaus. I asked him what music he listened to and approved when he had a conversation with one of the bronze yodeling horses they have at the promenade. Most of her boyfriends don't speak when I'm around, and this one handled that aspect fine. BUT a warning for those of you with siblings - do NOT see a movie with your sister and her boyfriend. Think about what all girls do with their boyfriends in dark theaters. Don't make the mistake and think they may realize the potential severe awkwardness. Honestly, when you are subjected to seeing the little girl you played Barbies with for seven years snogging for thirty-five minutes straight, it changes you.

My ranting has surely become tiresome to you all, and I think for mercy's sake I may now bid you all a fond adieu.

-*_*

Even though it seemed bad...

It always gets better.

I'm better now.

Never want anything you have to wait for. Never want anything that isn't one-hundred percent in your own control. Never want anything you have to depend on someone else for.

That's about it.

Plagarism is the Sincerest Form of Flattery

heychris is amazing.

here is heychris' amazing poem from his amazing website of amazingness.

"just this once, be my savior."
you are not good enough.
yes you.
somewhere along the line you were taught lazy.
and god doesnt like lazy.
lazy is making the "scene".
lazy is easy and smooth.
lazy is fitting the pose.
lazy is staying docile.
lazy is mininum effort.
lazy is coloring inside the lines.
lazy is not picking up the torch.
lazy is loveless relationships.
lazy is being a coward.
lazy is fat.uneducated.
selfish.
despondent.
lazy is the inability to express love.
lazy is blaming everyone and taking none of the accountability.
it is irresponsible.
unchallenged.
unmotivated and afraid.
lazy is unworthy.
and you.
me.
in all of our self-important grandstanding are looking for nothing more than attention grabbing validation.
if i tell you you're amazing, if i tell you you're inspirational, will you take it to heart?
will you buy into my insignificant words?
and will you let them encircle your eyes with the cloud of bullshit approval.
none of us need approval.
not me.
not you.
fuck if it doesnt feel good, but fuck if you cant do better.
and i know this.
and god knows this.
and we see you.
and somewhere further down the line our parents told us we were good enough.
to take pride in ourselves.
that we only needed to be us.
thats it.
and that would be good enough.
bullshit.
thats not good enough.
just being yourself isnt good enough.
because you and i werent born good enough.
its not good enough to simply have strength of character.
its our responsibility to show others how.
if we arent consciously making a difference then you, my friends are a waste of potential.
and god hates wasted potential.
disagree.
dont hear.
listen.
know your opposition.
make an attempt to understand.
take a stand.
use your fucking voice.
raise your fucking hand.
but do something goddammit.
because you are NOT unique and wonderful snowflakes.
unless you want to believe there are six billion unique and wonderful individuals on this planet...
you. are. living. a. lie.
as i am.
but everyday i make a promise to myself to be a little less shitty than the day before.
i know my role and i wont lie to myself anymore.
i am evil, rotten, dirty, disposable, forgettable and guilty.
just.
like.
you.
but ill be damned if i let that stop me.
i will not use that as an excuse and i will take responsibility for each and every move i make.
because as long as i have a voice, a will and a heart, i will try.
despite your words of praise or criticism...
i know im capable of much more.
and i owe you better.
and today, tomorrow and for the rest of my life i will be a walking apology to you, my friends, my mom and the rest of this world.
because god hates wasted potential.
and i am not good enough.
but im trying.
goddammit im trying.

----------

myspace...

stupid myspace.
no one ever looks at this blog anymore...
everyone looks at my stupid myspace.
if my stupid blog were on my stupid myspace, people would look at it.
Maybe i should move it.
i think i'll send out a bulletin on stupid myspace about this stupid blog.

haha i did. that is why you are reading this. case and point.

WORDS I KNOW MUST PHASE OUT OF MY VOCABULARY ENTIRELY

So from Morgan's blog I got to this site called Urban Dictionary. It pretty much just gives dictionary definitions for slang words. I decided to look up a few slang words very common in my (FORMER) everyday vocabulary. Noob and Woot have become very common, so I searched those.

With Dire Consequences.

What I have learned, is these two words spawn their origins in a place so dark, so.... unspeakable... That it can only be refered to as World of Warcraft. That's right, the online computer game that Torsten and Marc are so embarassingly fond of. And what did I expect? I picked up BOTH of these words from those two. I now cringe at the thought of how many times I have used these, how many times!
Just look at the post above this.

Included here are the definitions of the offending combinations of syllables, never to be uttered by this soul again.


Noob
1. noob (n)
Shortened form of "newbie," the most hilarious insult ever invented, in which a person who uses a computer game too much is ridiculing one who does not, for being "new" at the game, which of course they once were. Generally speaking, the speaker of this "insult" is one who should be on the receiving end of most insults. Commonly found in allegiance with "1337$1'331<," or "leetspeak," the accepted language of computer gaming geeks which takes a ludicrous amount of time to type.(A good deal of this definition is opinionated, given. But the definition still resides within.)
"MY ARE 1337 CRO-MAGNON H4XX0R!!! MY ARE PWN J00!!! n00b!!!"


Woot
1.Woot (int)
Originated as a hacker term for root (or administrative) access to a computer. However, with the term as coincides with the gamer term, "w00t"."w00t" was originally an trunicated expression common among players of Dungeons and Dragons tabletop role-playing game for "Wow, loot!" Thus the term passed into the net-culture where it thrived in video game communities and lost its original meaning and is used simply as a term of excitement.
"I defeated the dark sorcerer! Woot!""woot! i r teh flagmastar!" (Think Tribes)"Woot, I pwnzed this dude's boxen!'


*Please keep my recovery and rehabilitation in your thoughts and prayers.

I think I've said w00t 73 times this week

I'm back in school now.

As a matter of fact, I'm back in school NOW

Sitting next to Haleykins.

She's on her Livejournal.

I'm on my blog.

We must be emo.

Funny Flash.

If I were Kenton and did those interweird things, that would be it.

Go see I must be Emo.

Its prolly on... Albino Blacksheep.

If not... someday when I'm not on a school Bess-ified compy I'll post the link.

I need to get my schedule changed.

Right Now

I'm getting out of 1st hour orchestra.

It's fat and ugly and has no friends. (With the exceptions of Lauren and Nathan of course, but I think Laurens out too so just Nathan.)

Ima go now.